It’s kind of weird how fast things change sometimes isn’t it? I’ve blogged about change so many times over it should be part of the name of this blog by now. But for the most part, things in my life have been slow changes.
Sure, in 2009 when I moved 1000 miles from the only home I had ever lived in to a big city all by myself…it was a big rather sudden (over the course of a few days, I was in a new state, new city with my own apartment) but it didn’t change me mentally as suddenly.
And again last year when I moved another 500 miles to live in yet another state and move in with a boy (my fiance) for the first time…that was a sudden change.
These changes were physical, spacial. And I’ve gotten used to the slow pace of change in that way. Things just slowly, over time aren’t the same anymore…because that’s just how life works. But when there’s such a huge sudden emotional, mental change that it takes over your whole body, life, and mind in a matter of days, hours or minutes…it’s hard to cope with.
Obviously, I’m talking about getting pregnant. It’s so weird, I never imagined myself completely changing in the course of a day (or less) the moment I found out I was growing another life inside of me but that’s exactly what I did. And now, after 20 weeks (and knowing about it for 16 weeks) I’m just now starting to think about the change and become not just someone who is too sick to think…or interact with the world, blog, talk to friends or do anything but sleep and cuddle with my fiance 24/7….now that I’m slowly getting passed that stage, I’m doing what I do best. I’m thinking.
That’s not always a good thing, the thinking, I’ll be honest. I haven’t had any crazy pregnant moments where I cried/got upset because we were out of milk, or the tv show I wanted to watch wasn’t on or any of those silly things…no. The extra hormones pumping through my body have just made my depression and anxiety worse. It’s a pain. And as awful as it was to be sick constantly, somedays I’d rather go back to that so I don’t have to think. My depression makes me think and I never think pleasant things.
Anyways. Lately, I’ve been thinking about how much I changed when I found out I’m pregnant. At the end of July/beginning of August, I was working on a new design for my blog and I was solidifying what and where I want it to grow to. I was passionate about my thoughts and plans. My dreams for this little blog weren’t just for the content here, they were for me. They were to help me think about who I am more, what I really really want out of life and how to get there. I’m a big thinker (I know, we’ve probably already established that), and I’m a big analyzer. I love dissecting things and finding how the whys, the hows and the could bes. More than anything, I want to dissect myself and find out what’s going on in my mind and who I am. And so, the plans for my blog kind of fell in to place, I had ideas for several new series and new things to try in my life to become a better, more knowledgeable me.
And then those two pink lines showed up and it all fell apart. I’m not completely clear on why but I’ll just bumble my way through some ideas for now, so bare with me. First, I become obsessed with all things baby, because who wouldn’t? It’s my first child and I’m damn excited and my world started to revolve around this little life. But I wasn’t ready to share my news on my blog yet, and so I hit a slump on blogging. Then, I got really really sick. I seriously didn’t get out of bed for a while, I didn’t leave the house for weeks and I cried daily from being so nauseous and not eating. Hell, I lost 16lbs. It was a struggle to even think about my blog, let alone want to get on the computer and use any mental capacity I had to write a shitty post just so I had something posted. After that, I slowly got better and I shared my wonderful news on my blog and yet I still didn’t blog much and I’m still not.
I’m not back to where I was in August, I want to be. But I sit and sometimes can’t even remember what I used to blog about. I can come up with a few ideas and then I think, “why the hell was I doing this? who really cares?” which was also my thought process in the beginning of August as I came up with where I wanted my blog to go. I had reasons for what I wanted and I had an idea of who would care. And now? I don’t even know. All those ideas where about being honest, about change and growth and learning who I really am. I think part of me is hesitant to start that journey again because in 20 short weeks, I’ll be a mother. And then what?! I know I will do everything for my child(ren) and be a great mom but I also know I don’t want to be just a mom, ya know? I want a life outside the roles of a mother, I want my independence and to still be me. But I know that will be a struggle to balance and I know I will be 200% different from one day, one moment, one second to the next as my child is born into this world. So I hesitate. I doubt and I don’t try to find out who I am and I don’t work on my blog or myself because some part of me thinks, “what’s the point? I’ll be starting over again soon. Why waste the energy?”
I don’t know how to end this post. I’m all over the place and for the first time in a long long long time I’m going to just post this because I need to get it out. But I’ll also ask you: Have you ever dealt with a huge sudden emotional, mental change and didn’t know how to handle it? Any mamas or mamas-to-be out there struggling with finding yourself and hesitating, knowing how much more you will change when you have your child?
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