The whole story of my depression and anxiety is a long one, and maybe someday I’ll start at the beginning and tell it all but for the moment, I’m going to start with right now. Or the last year at least.
I’ve had depression my whole life and it’s slowly gotten worse the last few years. About a year ago, my mental health started to decline pretty rapidly and by August of 2011, I decided I needed help. But then those two pink lines showed up and I was pregnant. I didn’t want to go on medication while I was pregnant so I toughed it out and it was damn rough let me tell you.
At the end of April, Jeffrey was born and I really needed help. On top of clinical depression, severe anxiety and a panic disorder I was battling being a new mother and suffering postpartum depression (PPD) as well. For a month, Scott and I tried to find a dr who would see me soon and after a few false starts we gave up until seeing my midwife at my postpartum check up.
My midwife prescribed 25mg of Zoloft a day (Zoloft has been shown to be the safest anti-depressant for breastfeeding and most often prescribed for breastfeeding moms), until I can find another dr to help.
It’s been almost 2 weeks now and I’m not feeling any better yet. My mom was on Zoloft years ago and said she started feeling better after a few days and that gave me hope. But it’s not helping me yet. I’ve been on anti-depressants before so I know it takes time for the medication to kick in and make a difference and I know that it’s different for everyone, but I’m so ready to just be a little normal.
I’m ready to be able to leave my bedroom without fear of having a panic attack just from sitting in the living room with my family. I’m ready to wake up and feel good, to wake up and want to work, to wake up and want to shower and leave the house and I’m ready to have a smile on my face without trying so hard.
And so I want to take this space and record my mood, my thoughts and my journey with getting better and getting help. Part of my goal has always been to be honest, to help others with depression and I want to take this space to not only be honest and reflective with myself, but I hope it helps others feel less alone and feel free to email me, be open with themselves and get help if they need it.
I’ll check in soon with more thoughts and feelings on my journey.
ps- Happy Midsummer!
8 Thoughts
Depression can be such a hard thing. Apparently my mom, younger sister, and grandma all have/had it. I don’t like to talk about such things with me, but it always makes me smile when someone starts to talk about it.
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Depression is so difficult. You see it in yourself, you feel it and know it isn’t right, it’s impossible to pull yourself out. Put panic attacks on top of that and it’s unbearable. I know. Mine comes and goes in cycles. I’ve never been on any anti-depressants. I told my husband before he married me that this is just a part of me. He told me he would take the bad with the good and he does. I know it isn’t easy for him. I’m sorry you feel this way. My kids are what keep me going. They give me a reason. I hope writing about it helps you.
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I’ve dealt with the same issues that you have for a majority of my life. I had my panic disorder completely under control until I got prego. Now, it is horrid. Panic attacks every. single. day. I’m going to be starting Zoloft when I am into my 2nd trimester because I can’t go on like this. I REALLY hope things start to feel better for you. I would love to get to know you better & be there for you. (I found you on BBN)
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Thank you for sharing your story. Depression is awful!
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You are so brave to share your journey to recovery. It can be extremely difficult to find the right help and the perfect medication combinations and dosage, so it is good that you are being open about it from the beginning so we can all cheer you on! Whatever you do, don’t give up! It could take up to two months for some medications to really show the difference in your life you are looking for! Sending you hope, ease and truth! With hugs, Leigh.
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Okay, I’ve never dealt with depression or panic attacks… I may not be the person to talk about this, but I was really touched by what you’ve written. I believe that you’re a very strong person, even just because you’ve written about your journey. Most people hide behind masks, pretend to be someone they are not. But you are not afraid of who you are and I believe this is the first big step to recovery.
What I wanted to tell you that you are not alone anymore. You have a loving boyfriend and an absolutely adorable baby and they both need you 100%. Do it for them. Forget yourself, forget your bad feelings in the morning, forget your anxiety and insecureness and do everything for them. Let them be your guiding light.
I hope you feel better already!
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Hi, I only just found your blog via pinterest on art journalling topic. I have to say, you are a one beautiful person, you have two adorable people in your life (and there is a reason you have them) and you have a beautiful blog. I love you photos a lot. Think about it.
Now, depression. I have never had a long term depression and you may say I will never understand you and you’ll be right. But I have seen it. There 2 pieces of advice that really work (heard them from a coach). Now, I am not giving you any advice, but read.
- 1 – find your comfort and keep calm. then take it slow to expend your boundaries. I mean very very very slow.
2 – accept your self and your depression and anxiety and feelings. after you do – love them, with all your heart try to love them. they make you unique, they are part of you, they are your inner music. listen to this music and love it/. Dance to this music. Literally dance to it, to your own inner music, not boombox. Do it a lot. Draw it. Can you draw music? Try.
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I know I never talked about this, but I was definitely dealing with what’s referred to as prenatal (perinatal – whatever you want to call it) depression. It was some rough stuff, so much so that I never want to be pregnant again. That being said, *hugs*, know that you are going to make it through this and if you ever need anyone to talk to, you have my e-mail.
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