I have a confession.
I can’t remember the last time I left the house by myself.
Here’s the deal, 2009-2010 I lived alone in Boston. I had my own apartment, didn’t really have friends, my boyfriend lived 500+ miles away and my family lived 1000+ miles away. I was good and truly alone all. the. time. And while it wasn’t the best situation and company would have probably improved my depression, I did get used to it. I didn’t mind being on my own, I didn’t mind going grocery shopping, eating alone, getting coffee alone, riding the train alone, coming home to an empty house. I got used to it and it was just normal everyday life.
Then in 2010, I moved to Pennsylvania to live with my boyfriend, Scott. And we were in the suburbs with no public transportation and we only owned one car that I couldn’t even drive. Combine that with my increasing depression and daily anxiety that got worse when I left the house…
I can’t remember the last time I left the house by myself.
So I decided to fix that. It wasn’t easy but it’s something I need to work on. We’re living back in Illinois now with my parents and I can drive my mom’s car, the baby will eat from a bottle if he needs to and I need to work on better self care.
I took myself out on a date.
So despite the 100+ degree weather (pretty hot for Chicago!), I showered and put on make up, the first time since I had the baby, packed a notebook and my camera and went out into the world. I stopped by the bookstore and wandered around, pulled out some creativity books and read in the cafe for a bit. I’ll be honest, it was damn hard to leave. Not to leave the baby, I knew he was in safe hands with his Daddy, but I was anxious by the time I got to the bookstore (driving is hard on me too). So I didn’t stay at the bookstore as long as I could have. After that I went out to lunch by myself. I actually was able to think better at lunch than the bookstore (too noisy).
I wrote down a bunch of thoughts and ideas. Goals and dreams that will take years to accomplish but baby steps that I need to work on now. It was hard, and I was panicking pretty bad by the time I got home (before baby even had time to wake up and take a bottle!) but I did it.
I did it.
And I’ll do it again and again and again. My goal right now is to take myself out at least once a month because I know it will be healthy for me even if it’s scary.
Do you go out on dates with yourself? How often? What do you do?
2 Thoughts
That sounds like a lovely day! I used to go out by myself on purpose. I enjoyed people-watching, wondering what others thought of me if they were people-watching me, and also to just have some quiet time in public. I think it was actually quite therapeutic. I just had a baby in April, so it’s difficult for me to have any time like that these days. It’s such a chore to get dressed or put on makeup half the time, and even more so when I do have errands to run and have to take my son with me. However, once I get out the door, it’s so much easier. It’s just getting my feet outside that’s the hardest part usually. I love going grocery shopping with my son strapped in his carseat setting on the shopping cart. I love showing him off, because everyone loves babies. I can talk to myself in public and no one thinks I’m nuts because it looks like I’m just talking to him. But I do miss when it was simple–no diaper bag, no heavy baby in a car seat, no times I have to stop to nurse or change a diaper, no specific order of things (like do I put the baby in the car and then return the shopping cart, do I leave the shopping cart in the middle of parking lot because the baby is in the car already, or do I attempt to park the shopping cart and carry all of the groceries AND the baby all to the car at once?)
My husband told me recently that he wants me to find my “thing.” His is surfing. I’ll go with him sometimes, but it’s what he does each week to keep himself balanced. He told me to find something like that for myself, and he’d take the baby so that I could do it each week. I’m so thrilled about it that I can’t decide what to do! I might settle on cycling. I might go for some kind of art class. I don’t know, but just thinking about it makes me feel like I can breathe better. You might try to do that too–find one thing that gets you out of the house so you can have some time to open your mind and remember why it’s so good to be alive, and do it once every week. It sounds like what you did today could be the start of something great. I hope you keep it up, because I really enjoyed reading your writing today. <3
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Kendra Kantor Reply:
July 12th, 2012 at 2:12 pm
Thanks so much for commenting!
haha
People watching is so fun, especially in a big city. I miss Boston for so many reasons but that’s def one of them!
My little boy was born in April too!! We should talk more and lament about sleepless nights and adorable faces
Fortunately , my fiance is great about taking the baby whenever I need him to and we live with my parents and my mom watches him often as well.
I hope you find your “thing”! I have a lot of them and that’s kind of my problem. I’m currently trying to “find myself” and figure out what I want with life and who I am, it’s a challenge but getting out of the house and being alone is hard for me but something that I really need to do.
Good luck!
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Kendra,
I just found your blog through the introductions on Revolutionize Her and I wanted to commend you for your honesty and openness. You took a great step going out by yourself. I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety myself for years, though never openly blogged about it. This may have changed my mind! Thanks!
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Kendra Kantor Reply:
July 12th, 2012 at 2:14 pm
Oh thank you!
I think it’s so so important to be honest and open about mental illnesses. One because the stigmatized about them in society makes it difficult for people (especially teens) to open up and feel okay with sharing about it. Two because I think it’s important for the healing process to write and be truthful about it.
I hope you blog about it sometime and that it helps you!
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