I start writing posts a lot, thoughtful posts and sometimes I’m too scared to post them for one reason or another, sometimes it’s just all a big mess, sometimes the topic feels like something I’ve written about far too many times already but more often than not I just can’t seem to finish getting my thoughts out and make them coherent. And so, the posts sit in my drafts, waiting to be finished because I always intend to go back and write them.
This post was first started in September 2011 and it was probably in my head for a few months before that. Here I am, June 2012 re-reading it to see if it’s worthy of posting and realizing it’s a rather depressing topic, angsty and hurtful (to me and my soul) and yet…it’s all still true. It’s over 9 months since I wrote the (majority) of the post below and it all still rings true.
I’ve been thinking a lot recently about the way I see.
The way I see things in relation to art, my art in particular and the way my work is affected because of it.
I figure there are a handful of reasons I (or anyone) takes photos: for my blog, for money/career (weddings, portraits, or commercial products), for a project (school or personal), to remember a moment (snapshots, photo albums) or to learn (about myself, the world, a new technique etc… more and more the last few months (okay, probably more the last year or more) I’ve been only taking photos to remember a moment or for my blog.
And what does that do?
I can’t remember the last time I took a photo and thought, “Wow, I love that, I would hang that on my wall.”, “I would be proud for others to own this”, “I think I could get this in an exhibition.”
I don’t work well under pressure. or rather with limitations. I don’t work well being forced to do something. maybe that was part of why I hated art school, I don’t know. I still wonder if I made the right choice, but then I look at my life now and there are things that wouldn’t be if I had made a different choice….and those things are wondrous and are life changing. but still…I haven’t pushed myself, I haven’t tried.
I can’t remember the last time I produced work I would put into a portfolio, or if any of the old work I would have…even means anything to me anymore.
I used to feel special, like I meant something, like I had a future and like I was unstoppable. I had a scholarship, I had professors and admissions people telling me how they loved my work, I had people who were proud of me and excited by my future. and what did I do? I left. I stopped trying, stopped trying to succeed even on my own.
I don’t even know anymore what any of it means. what’s the point? I wrote a post over a month ago (10 months ago now), about photography and how I love it and miss it but I hate the industry and don’t know if I want to be a part of it. That post still sits in my drafts folder, maybe I’ll post it someday…I don’t know.
Every time I have a thought, or a question…it just leads to more questions. I don’t know if there are ever answers to anything important in life. How do I move on? How do I change? How do I figure out if I even WANT to move on, if I want to get better? Maybe I know just because I’m writing this, because I have this yearning in me to create something I love and am proud of. Because I yearn to be able to say, look…here’s my website, am I someone now? Is that weird? To just want to be someone?
I have talked about it briefly before….most of the time, I don’t want to be famous for me, I want to be famous for you. But that’s different. I think as artist, it’s okay to be selfish….right? As much as we saw we create for ourselves, some part of us wants to be recognized and fawned over and told our work is amazing…right?
Here I am, 9 months after writing the thoughts above and nothing to show for it. I could sit here and blame it on being pregnant (and horribly sick for half of it and horribly in pain for the other half) or blame it on the fact that I’ve been so depressed and anxious I hate getting out of bed or leaving my room. I could blame it on the fact that I have a newborn son and no time for anything but to stare at him. I could blame it on the fact that my camera is dying and don’t want to tempt fate or that we have no money so I feel stunted in my progress and need money to continue or that I feel as if I need money and so work for that and not for me.
I could blame my lack of movement and growth and production on so many things but where would that get me? No where new that’s where.
But still…9 months later and I’m sitting here wondering:
Where do I go from here? How do I move the hell forward?!