In the beginning of January, I took part in the We Are The Contributors mini challenge, 7 days of self portraits. (go here to see a recap with some samples of photos from others) It was awesome and fun.
It’s pretty common for most photographers to almost never get in front of the camera. Since I was a teen, I’ve never been shy to get on the other side of my own lens. I didn’t have many friends so I had to be my own model when I was experimenting and trying all kinds of new things as a new photographer. And now, while I don’t do as much self portraiture, I do find myself in front of the camera or turning the camera on myself so there are pictures of me for my son to look at when he gets older.
I started this mini project almost on a whim. I thought, hey this sounds like fun and just went for it. As I scrolled through the hashtag each day, I saw many of the other contributors who said they were struggling, having a hard time photographing themselves.
Was I struggling? I wondered. Was it hard to get in front of the camera and bare myself like that?
No, not really. I bare myself with my words everyday, here and on twitter and in my own head. I feel more scared to show you myself through what I type than what I look like.
I used this mini project as a way to think outside the box again. It’s been a long time since I’ve done anything too creative with my photography and it’s been a struggle for me to get used to using my phone as a creative tool instead of just a way to capture everyday moments. I’m trying to remember that the best camera is the one you have with you.
And so, I used this project as a way to explore my creativity and perhaps share parts of me I don’t talk about like I should.
The caption from one image read: “I needed to pause and breathe and lean in to quiet for a moment in the middle of a #panicattack and decided to share the honesty of my moment.”
I think the biggest thing I’ve learned is what I wrote on the caption for another image: “Faded and hidden, distorted and fogged. I don’t hate the extra padding and lumps that I feel, I don’t even hate the marks and rearranging that happened from growing and carrying and birthing my son. I hate the new marks from the bloating from the steroids and the scars from acne that make me feel judged and embarrassed to show my arms.
I hate that I feel like I can never wear a tank top or a swimsuit again because I’ll feel too uncomfortable. I hate that I don’t have clothes that fit properly and I wish clothes came without numbers so I didn’t feel bad about what the tag reads. I haven’t thought about my self esteem or how I think about myself, inside or out for years. I loved the way I looked and felt when I was pregnant.
But now, two years later I’m suddenly thinking that my self esteem is lacking, I don’t think often of it but when I do it’s so negative. Just one more thing I need to work on.”
I’ve learned that I enjoy putting myself in front of the lens in more creative ways again. I enjoyed playing around with the self timer and with creating an image and writing words that share more of my sole, more of who I am deep inside. It’s been an interesting and different way to explore my own mental health.
Honestly, I’m proud of myself for finishing (and beyond! I made more than 7 images) this project and for putting myself out there in this way.
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