What do I need? What do I need?

I ask myself this question over and over and over again.
While I’m drinking my coffee and watching my son play as I try to wake up enough to interact with humans in the morning.
When I’m trying to get my son to sleep for his nap and he just won’t stop fighting and argh why me?!
When I’m eating lunch.
When I’m in the middle of a panic attack.
When I’m saying hello to my fiance at the end of a long, beautiful, awesome, terrible day….

What do I need?

My mind feels blank and my stomach tenses, anxiety threatening as I sit yearning for words, a plan, inspiration or motivation to hit me in the fucking face but where is it?! Not here.
Not in this new space, this space that’s already being taken over by others and is starting to suffocate me and I just could use a day or a week without my child and then I feel terrible for thinking that way.

And then I look at his beautiful face and say, how could I leave you for more than a few hours? Impossible.
But then he starts crying, my panic rises, the cat won’t stop meowing and pounding at the door for attnetion and my belly is empty and all there is to eat is food that triggers my panic attacks.

WHat do I need? What do I need?

What do I want?

I want so much.

Will I ever have enough?
I want to.
I want to so so bad, it’s not even funny.

How do I get there? How do I make words that are inticing, that are meaningful, authentic, helpful?
How do I create this space to be inviting and welcoming and a community and a place people can stand up and be truthful.

What do I need?

A nap.
And chocolate.

And then the cycle will start over again and I’m lost with no words and that’s the end.

If you join me in this Free Write Friday, send me a link via the comments or twitter so I can check out your page.

Last week, I was feeling very ‘blah’. For the week or two previous, I thought I was doing pretty well. Not too many panic attacks and low anxiety overall. And then last week hit and it was a bad one. Anxiety all over the place, in a general funk and feeling so unmotivated and not inspired to write or do much of anything. I just wanted to sleep. (but of course, that’s not an option with a 10 month old!)

So one day, I said to Scott, “I need an inspiring life.” After he had suggested I read or watch something inspiring. But I didn’t want to live through someone, I wanted to experience it myself.

He responded with, “What’s not inspiring now?”

And I agreed. Sometimes, mundane is inspiring. I am in constant awe of my growing child. I watch him as he learns to turn the pages of a book, as he plays with his abacus to figure out how it works and I think, “He is so amazing.”

But that’s all I do, all day. I watch him play and learn and grow.

And it’s amazing and beautiful and awe-inspiring and daily, I want to cry because what is happening and he is growing up so so fast before my eyes I can’t believe it. (He started walking, WALKING! this weekend!)

But yet, I yearn for something more. More what I couldn’t tell you. But I know there is still something missing.

We have a space of our own now, I have a new camera to play with, a son to watch grow and I’m helping women. But what else do I need? I think I need adventures, friends, new eyes for my life.

What does your inspired life look like?

Above is the only “before” picture I seem to have. My parents have owned this house for about 23 years now, bought it brand new and the basement is a finished walkout. When I was younger, we made haunted houses on Halloween down here, my mom had a craft room although I can’t ever remember it being used. There is an unfinished storage/bathroom, a work room, a bedroom, an area for a kitchenette and a large living area.

Until this year, the entire space was pretty much packed to the brim with stuff. Fabric, old crafts, old papers from when we were all kids. Stuff from my grandparents, from when my parents were in college, things that they hadn’t opened since they moved in here 23 years ago. It took us about 9 months to clean it out. A lot when to trash, more went to donate and the little that is left fits in the small unfinished storage room.

My parents decided to rip up the carpet ourselves and safe some money. I personally ripped up about 80% of the entire basement, carpet and pad. It was rough.

We painted all the walls, and most needed two coats. I think because they had never been painted since the builders coat, it just sucked it all up. I am obsessed obsessed with grey right now. So the living room is a gray with dark grey. The kitchenette (which, hopefully will become a kitchen) is a sage green and our bedroom is a slightly lighter green.

In the kitchenette area, my dad and brother put down a laminate wood tile floor. I can’t remember the brand but it was a super easy install and looks really nice actually.

I’m pleasntly surprised with the amount of light we get down here. I never remember there being a lot filtered in. We have two windows and a patio door in our living space that face north and are also blocked by trees and the deck from the main floor of the house. The bedroom has 1 window facing east. We don’t have bright bright sun shining in at us, but I haven’t been needing to turn lights on until the sun completely sets at night. When I lived in Boston, I had a garden apartment and it was torture. I love the sun.

I left a few quotes and little notes on the concrete floor before the carpet people came. Someday, someone else will buy this house and rip up the carpet and see my mark on this house.

The carpet is a very very light grey, almost beige but it’s perfect for a basement with a baby and a kitty. Jeffrey loved roaming around when it was empty. I almost hated to move our stuff in.

And this little boy also got his own bed! We’ve bed-shared since day 1 and now we have the space to put a twin mattress on t he floor and our  mattress/box spring is pushed right up next to it. It’s been about a week and he doesn’t stay in his bed all night but he usually makes it about 4-5 hours which is when he wakes for a bottle and then I bring him in bed with us. I’ve struggled sleeping without him right next to me but it’s been nice to get to cuddle with my fiance and not my baby for the first time in almost a year!

Sorry for all the rambling-ness of this post. I intended to come here and talk bout how nice it is to have a space of our own but I wanted to share a bit if the story of getting here. It has been a rough year, the three of us living in one tiny bedroom. Our living space and Jeffrey’s space to play was the main floor. There are 6 of us (including Jeffrey) plus two dogs and 1 cat (plus our cat in the basement) living in this house and I’ve found that my energy just doesn’t mesh with most peoples. I need a separate space. I might talk about it in another post, but I’m a very Highly Sensitive Person and my anxiety and depression are triggered by being around other people.

This past week, Jeffrey and I have spent most of our days in our space. We go to the main floor to eat, and now that Jeffrey is eating more food (I usually give him at least half a banana and as much as a full meal) and less bottles, we eat at the table together. We also bought what I call a “baby jail” and have filled it with lots of toys. My computer is right next to it. I work, sometimes, or play with Jeffrey. We have had almost constant dance parties.

A few days ago, we were leaving the house and after we left I remarked to Scott, “isn’t there such a difference being away from people?” My energy, my mood, my anxiety is so much calmer. Even though Jeffrey has been teething this week and has been fussy and clingy, even crying while I’m playing with him…I haven’t been quick to get overwhelmed, I haven’t felt the panic rise in my belly as much as before. I think this is going to be good for us. It’s still not perfect but it’s a start and it’s ours.

Before you were born, I never realized just how much my soul needed your amazing soul in my life. You heal me, you need me, you make me insane and keep me sane in the same moments, I grow as you grow and learn as you learn. We smile together, laugh together and cry together. We bond and cuddle and spend time apart but always come back together. It is amazing. You are an amazing part of my life and I am so thankful to have you.

I want so badly to be able to finish. To accomplish. To make something of use to someone else.
I sit here in my room, in the same place I feel like I was month ago.
Medications aren’t working.
I’m still so anxious I don’t know what to do with myself.
I am overwhelmed and panicked and anxious and depressed and in those moments when it’s just the three of us, just our little family I am so utterly in love I think my heart is going to burst from it all.

I close my eyes and don’t know how to go on. My hands are cramping from all the paining (walls) I’ve been doing lately but it still feels like we are no closer to our goal of moving from one bedroom for 3 people to about 600sq ft in the basement.

I’m overwhelmed.
I’m cold and thirsty and I want more coffee and I want chocolate but I shouldn’t.

My thoughts are so all over the place but that’s the point, that’s what free writing is…isn’t it?
I don’t want to do work. I’m almost done with a new blog design and re-brand but…but…I’m too overwhelmed to just insert images onto a page let alone try to figure out the confusing coding that must be done.

And so instead I sit here writing, trying to hard not to let my panic overtake me, trying to hard not to mindlessly watch tv.

I bow my head and plead with…someone…something who ever the hell is out there to just let the pain go away. I hope hope hope with all my hopes and dreams that my beautiful baby boy never has to suffer like this but I’m not naive enough to really believe it. He has bad genes in the mental health department on both sides and all I can really hope for is that we know enough, we love enough, we understand enough that he’ll be able to get through it and won’t have to feel like this for years like I have.

If you join me in this Free Write Friday, send me a link via the comments or twitter so I can check out your page.