So in no specific order here is my list:

1- Seek balance – work, mama & wife. Do not get discouraged, life changes, Jeffrey will grow up and change daily, weekly as will my business. Seek, and experiment.
2- Take myself on 1 date a month. I really don’t get out enough, alone. Try things besides the bookstore.
3- Get 4 massages, 1 each season.
4- Get a tattoo.
5- Create a “family activities” month calender each season, starting in the Summer.
6- Take a 3 day weekend with Scott and Jeffrey. A stay-cation is fine, just don’t interact with anyone else in the house.
7- Take a 3 day weekend with just Scott.
8- Go camping with the family.
9- Mentor 5 women.
10- Knit a blanket for Jeffrey, hopefully by his 1st birthday.
11- Read 50 (new to me) books.
12- Take classes – in person or online.
13- Exercise regularly.
14- Eat mindfully.
15- Visit Chicago.
16- Go swimming.
17- Laugh more
18- Earn $2500 from my business.
19- Gain 50 more newsletter subscribers (75 total).
20- Write fiction again, without pressure for it to become anything.
21- Tell my story.
22- Get fucking married!
23- Do things that could potentially make me a friend, I need to connect more, especially with other women.
24- Make a plan for Jeffrey to take classes at Language Stars.
25- Take monthly pictures of Jeffrey after he is 1 years old.
26- Create weekly family traditions (like Saturday breakfast on the porch).
27- Start a savings account.
28- Go on 8 official dates with Scott.
29- Get 4 pedicures.
30- Crystal-ify our new space.
31- At the end of 2013, make personal/professional 3 year goals.
32- Read Norse stories.
33- Read Phantom of the Opera.
34- Go to a play/theater/concert.
35- Make wooden toys + plush toys for Jeffrey and be intentional about what he plays with.
36- Research and implement how to “go green”.
37- Have family dance parties in the living room.
38- Grow things.
39- Go vegetarian for 2 weeks during the summer and utilize local farmers markets.
40- Find mama and baby local activities.
41- Create intentional habits.
42- Fix Scott’s bike.
43- Ride our bikes.
44- Family game night.
45- Organize my computer and files, for real this time.
46- Dye my hair a fun color.
47- I will do, read or watch 2 things Scott recommends.
48- Go to the damn zoo.
49- Go to the Renaissance Festival.
50- Travel to a different state.
51- Work on my personal style.
52- Buy a new bed.
53- Pay off all debt, except student loans.
54- Attend a service or group at UU at least 1 time a month.
55- Hang up a swing for Jeffrey on lower deck.
56- Look in to peer mentoring local teens for mental health.
57- Complete the couch to 5k training program.
58- Do the Zombie 5K Run.
59- Do something awesome for our anniversary (like scuba diving).
60- Shoot 4 rolls of 35mm film.
61- Read Hamlet, aloud to Jeffrey.
62- Take archery lessons.
63- Rent a hasselblad.
64- Go to Gameworks.
65- Water gun/balloon fight.
66- Finish and print our 2011-2012 book.
67- Make sun tea.
68- 20 days without technology (not consecutively).
69- Learn something on the guitar.
70- Make it through all of Dead Island.
71- Volunteer (frogs).
72- Make a radio show/radio station.
73- Take art classes with my mom.
74- Oil paint.
75- Get Jeffrey swim lessons.
76- Take a drive in the country.
77- try out Geocaching.
78- Get a price quote for my ring.
79- Visit Glacial Park.
80- Try to make my handwriting better/prettier.
81- Private!
82- Only say “I’m sorry.” when we really mean it.
83- Visit Anderson Japanese Gardens.
84- Book proposal.
85- Focus on health.
86- Document this list.
87- Take monthly photo walks.
88- Do photo an hour once a month.
89- New blog design/re-brand.
90- Go to the RV and Camping Show in February.
91- Go star gazing
92- Visit the park more
93- Take a bath instead of a shower once in a while.
94- Do yoga.
95- Donate blood.
96-
97-
98-
99-
100-

My list is not finished yet, but that’s okay. It leaves space for thoughts and things to be added throughout the year.

Do you have a list of things to do in 2013? I’d love to see it!

What is my authentic self? What do I mean by that? My authentic self is the person I am deep inside, and it only comes out when I’m being true and honest with myself. I am on a journey. I am on several journeys all at once and they are hard, challenging and soulful. I don’t know where I’m going or where I’m going to end up but I know, I hope, someday in the (near) future, I’ll have a better handle on who my authentic self is.

My therapist says I’m a good communicator and I agree. I think it’s because I’ve been writing in some form since I was 10(probably earlier). I started writing creative fiction in about 5th grade and eventually began to write on a blog in middle school (lots of complaining and swearing!), in high school I wrote a lot of poetry. And I still consider those a lot of my best work, I miss how I used to write back then. I’ve bounced around from creative fiction, poetry, blog writing and personal journaling for years now. So yes, I think I am very good at communicating. I know there is a disconnect in my “well mind” as my therapist calls it. The rational thoughts from my emotions. I know, I KNOW when the emotions and thoughts I am having are irrational. I know that there is no valid reason to be anxious talking to strangers or leaving my bedroom and yet it persists. I’m sitting here writing this post and there is a knot in my stomach. Why?

I sit here trying to take a deep breath, surrounded by the chaos and mess that is 3 people living in one bedroom (not a one bedroom apartment, just one bedroom) and I’m trying to sort through my thoughts and the chaos that is even worse inside of my head and I don’t know what to say or where to go from here. There is an ever persistent voice that tells me my words are unimportant, that I won’t make a difference and that I will never find my authentic self.

This past year, hell the past 3 years have been a roller coaster. Slowly, ever so slowly getting worse as the months pass by. I wish the year my son was born was the happiest of my life but it has not been, it’s been the hardest. There have been so many constant changes the last 3 years and here comes one more. I worry that I won’t have enough time to find myself again.

These journeys are hard work, they take time and thought that I don’t know if I have anymore. I am rambling and I think I’m getting to a place of complaining rather than introspection and that’s never a good place to be.

Breathe.

I need to take control.

I sit here thinking that I want to share and help others heal when I am barely started on the journey to healing and health myself. Maybe I’ll heal as I heal others.

Blog from the heart.

Make yourself cry.

If you write what you are passionate about, readers and fans will follow.

What do I want to blog about? Who do I want to be? Is it more important to decide who I want to be than to figure out who I am? Or is it the same journey, the same quest all wrapped up in to one? I am a lover of fantasy, novels and movies. My mind is enamored with all things medieval, swords, dragons, kings and queens…elves, wizards and magic. Quest. I am on a quest. For what?

breathe. peace. acceptance. control. to find out what makes me tick, what makes my heart and soul happy. Who am I? What do I want?

I wish.
I wish.
what was I going to say?

My life is filled with question marks and while I sit here hoping some day I’ll be influential and make a difference to someone else out there, I wonder how I can possibly do it when I’m such a mess myself. I want so many things and I want them now. Or I want to be headed there now. My life is just beginning but I feel so far behind.

How do others live? Wat do you experience? How do I just let go and tell myself things will be okay? How do I let myself believe it? Honestly? Truly. I need help. I need insight. I know all the uplifting phrases and activities but how do I actually accomplish it? How do I change? What do I need to do for myself?

I wish I could just be. I wish I could wake up with intention and purpose. I wish my child would not scream bloody murder every single time I try to put him to sleep. I wish I felt content with my daily routine, my career goals and my accomplishments. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what to blog about, what to make a career out of, what I can do with my life that would make me happy and make my heart sour.

I want to help. I want to guide. But I think I need to be more at peace with myself and my life than I am right now before I can even attempt those things. I want to be a mentor and a friend. I want to have soul sisters and guides of my own. I want to not worry and agonize over the future on a daily basis. I want to not have to worry about paying our bills, buying diapers for our child or being able to afford gas just to go to interviews. I want to do work I love because I want to, not because I’m forced to. I don’t want to be forced to live a life that feels a fake. A life that is common to many but burdens my heart and soul.

My mind is frazzled and distracted. I cannot focus on the words on my screen. I can barely type this even as I go. The other day I tried to re-read Bird by Bird because I remember feeling so at peace, so inspired and so uplifted the first and second time I read it. I read a page or two and couldn’t remember one word. I cannot focus even on light, fun fiction. I want to connect with bloggers and I know I need to comment and reach out, but I have such a hard time reading posts and recalling what it was about by the time I get to the last word. Where is my sanity? I know I had “pregnancy brain” when I carried Jeffrey and now I suffer from “mom brain” but I worry my anxiety has ruined my mind. I’ve never experienced anxiety to this extreme in my life before and I worry there is no way back for me. What if I can never return to a place of happy and contentment with my goals and my future.

breathe.
breathe.
inhale.

All I can do these days is survive and hope and pray to whatever entity might or might not be watching over us out there that things will turn out okay. Most days, I fail.

This post was first started in September 2011 and it was probably in my head for a few months before that. Here I am, June 2012 re-reading it to see if it’s worthy of posting and realizing it’s a rather depressing topic, angsty and hurtful (to me and my soul) and yet…it’s all still true. It’s over 9 months since I wrote the (majority) of the post below and it all still rings true.

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about the way I see.

The way I see things in relation to art, my art in particular and the way my work is affected because of it.

I figure there are a handful of reasons I (or anyone) takes photos: for my blog, for money/career (weddings, portraits, or commercial products), for a project (school or personal), to remember a moment (snapshots, photo albums) or to learn (about myself, the world, a new technique etc… more and more the last few months (okay, probably more the last year or more) I’ve been only taking photos to remember a moment or for my blog.

And what does that do?

I can’t remember the last time I took a photo and thought, “Wow, I love that, I would hang that on my wall.”, “I would be proud for others to own this”, “I think I could get this in an exhibition.”

I don’t work well under pressure. or rather with limitations. I don’t work well being forced to do something. maybe that was part of why I hated art school, I don’t know. I still wonder if I made the right choice, but then I look at my life now and there are things that wouldn’t be if I had made a different choice….and those things are wondrous and are life changing. but still…I haven’t pushed myself, I haven’t tried.

I can’t remember the last time I produced work I would put into a portfolio, or if any of the old work I would have…even means anything to me anymore.

I used to feel special, like I meant something, like I had a future and like I was unstoppable. I had a scholarship, I had professors and admissions people telling me how they loved my work, I had people who were proud of me and excited by my future. and what did I do? I left. I stopped trying, stopped trying to succeed even on my own.

I don’t even know anymore what any of it means. what’s the point? I wrote a post over a month ago (10 months ago now), about photography and how I love it and miss it but I hate the industry and don’t know if I want to be a part of it. That post still sits in my drafts folder, maybe I’ll post it someday…I don’t know.

Every time I have a thought, or a question…it just leads to more questions. I don’t know if there are ever answers to anything important in life. How do I move on? How do I change? How do I figure out if I even WANT to move on, if I want to get better? Maybe I know just because I’m writing this, because I have this yearning in me to create something I love and am proud of. Because I yearn to be able to say, look…here’s my website, am I someone now? Is that weird? To just want to be someone?

I have talked about it briefly before….most of the time, I don’t want to be famous for me, I want to be famous for you. But that’s different. I think as artist, it’s okay to be selfish….right? As much as we saw we create for ourselves, some part of us wants to be recognized and fawned over and told our work is amazing…right?

Here I am, 9 months after writing the thoughts above and nothing to show for it. I could sit here and blame it on being pregnant (and horribly sick for half of it and horribly in pain for the other half) or blame it on the fact that I’ve been so depressed and anxious I hate getting out of bed or leaving my room. I could blame it on the fact that I have a newborn son and no time for anything but to stare at him. I could blame it on the fact that my camera is dying and don’t want to tempt fate or that we have no money so I feel stunted in my progress and need money to continue or that I feel as if I need money and so work for that and not for me.

I could blame my lack of movement and growth and production on so many things but where would that get me? No where new that’s where.

But still…9 months later and I’m sitting here wondering:

Where do I go from here? How do I move the hell forward?!

Yup. that’s the conclusion I’ve come to recently.
Absolutely insane. I have less than 100 days until the due date of my first baby (holy crap!) and for some reason, I’ve recently gotten the drive to do a bunch of projects! Things that I need to finish before baby and things that will last all year or longer.

Okay, so are you read for a list?

-Completely clean up my digital life. This includes but is not limited to: sorting through all my bookmarks (an insane amount), cleaning out my google reader of blogs I never have time for and keeping only those I love, getting my inboxes organized (includes deleting the 3 old email addresses I never ever use), unfriend people on facebook who haven’t talked to me ever on there(keep just close friends and family), back up all files onto cds, organize my external hard drive, back up all files onto external hard drive, clean up twitter(follow only awesome people). I think that’s it for this category…
-Project 366. One photo a day all year.
-Photo Friday? I’m iffy about this project now…I can’t decide if I should just share my project 366 each week or take a whole set of photos just for this?
-Secret project. Needs to be worked on at least monthly if not weekly.
-Baby bump weekly photos/update
-Weekly baby photos after baby is born until he turns a month or two and then
-Monthly baby photos
-Pregnancy photo album. Includes writing Dear Baby letters, baby bump pictures and other pictures/updates. (I’m thinking about including pictures/updates from the pregnancy in baby’s 1 year book instead. Any mamas out there with other ideas/tell me what you’ve done.)
-Finding Water by Julia Cameron (complete before baby?!! uh…yes)
-Encourage my fiance write a book (before baby?! yes)
-Blog 3+ times a week…including a better schedule which includes a monthly diy/tutorial (I’m so bad at these but I want to be better), a monthly Personal Truths and Reflections post (these are hard, emotionally and time consuming to write), organizing guest posts and monthly Tips posts(remember my weekly tips? I liked them, but not weekly.)

And my biggest “to-do” which is also going to be a big life change and hard but exciting in so so many ways:

-Like a Bird Empire. Yup. Sounds intense, I know. It’s going to be awesome and I’m excited. If you want to know more, or help me out with getting it started, let me know.

I think that’s it?

Except in addition to all of my creative projects…
We’re moving 500 miles in less than 1 months time, maybe a little less. ha! oh…it gets better. We’re moving without Scott having a job. We’ve been planning to move sometime early this year (before baby) and live with my parents for a while anyway but Scott hasn’t found a new job yet and we’re getting a good amount of money back on our tax refund and just decided to go for it. I have like 20 days to pack up my entire house. I guess a quick move is better than moving when I’m 8+ months pregnant right? The drive will be hell. It’s a 10 hour drive. That’s not including the fact that we’ll have to stop every hour or so because I have to pee, a lot. Oh and we will have 2 very grumpy cats packed into the car with us as well. Fun times. I’ll let you know how it goes.

I know it all sounds like so much to do and like I said, I must be absolutely crazy to take all of this on the year I become a mother for the first time. But ya know what? There’s no better time for me to do it. I’ve been sitting around doing nothing for a year and a half, hoping and trying to figure out what I want with my life. And this pregnancy has kind of kicked my butt and drive and inspiration in to gear it seems. Maybe because I’m finally figuring out exactly what I want my life to be, and maybe because I want the best life for my child so I need to make myself and my own life better first. Whatever the reason, even if I’m absolutely insane…I couldn’t be happier with my plans right now.

Are you insane too? What are you plans and dreams and goals for the year?

Here are the goals written out, in case you can’t read them above:
1. Make a REAL goal(s)/plans for the next 2-4 years
2. Make an inspiration board (and update it at least every season)
3. Take weekly photos of the baby in the first month or 2 and take monthly photos after that.
4. In the summer, spend at least 1 night a week, lying in the grass (with a fire nearby?) enjoying nature with baby and Scott.
5. Remember that there is no such thing as ‘perfect’ but I’m doing the best possible for my baby and family that I can.
6. Monthly (or bi-weekly) dates with Scott after baby is born (and before)
7. Monthly artist dates with myself after baby is born (and before)
8. Keep my digital life organized (files backed up on CDs and ExHD, organize bookmarks)
9. Blog at least 3x week
10. Secret project
11. Art Journal more often
12. Photo Diary (0-9 months pregnant/baby, 2012)
13. Make/use a planner
14. Write to pen pals more often
15. Make a quilt (or 2?) for the baby
16. Make a few stuffed animals for the baby
17. Make our own new family traditions for every season (activities to do each day a month, seasonally)
18. Go to the zoo and museums, wander Chicago
19. Finish portfolio site/ work on design business
20. Fly a kite
21. Eat better, more naturally, more mindful
22. Project 366

Oh and yes, today is my 21st birthday. Not much celebrating like a normal 21 year old around here this year! Oh well, next year I plan on asking for a tattoo (or two) haha!