Things to Remember

i am good enough
i deserve more
i am beautiful inside
and out
i am exactly what he needs
there is more to life than
this
i will find my way

i am more than enough
i will conquer the world
my world
i am important
my words my voice matters
i can make a difference

i am
i love
i create
i inspire
i teach
i empower
i am

Last week, I told my fiance to tell me if I ever have a pimple because I don’t look in the mirror anymore. It made me pause and think.

When was the last time I took a good look at myself? And I don’t mean figuratively or introspectively because I do that on a daily basis. I go days, weeks even without more than a glance in the mirror to make sure my hair isn’t half out of the pony tail on my way out the door.

I take off my glasses before completely undressing before a shower so I can’t properly see myself in the giant mirror that takes up a whole wall. Any why do I do these things?

This was even more brought to my mind recently as my mom and I searched for clothes for my brother’s wedding. I knew I wanted a nice shirt and pants (nursing friendly!) and I encouraged my mom to find a dress (she never wears dresses). I don’t think I heard one positive comment about herself on any of our shopping trips or while we were trying on things at home or even the day of. It was always, “it’s good enough. With spanx I’ll look good enough. I don’t look too fat, right?” I thought she looked beautiful in everything she tried on. What bothered me was most, personally, was that several times she told me she had spanx I could wear. It made me feel insecure, like she thought I needed them or she thought I felt bad enough that I thought I needed them. If that makes any sense.

Truth.
I am a plus size woman. I have been since I can remember.

Truth.
I like my body more after having a baby.

It’s more than just the fact that my body did amazing things in carrying and birthing a child. Even with all my new stretch marks and the extra skin on my stomach, I still feel better about the way I look than before I was pregnant. I remember coming home from the hospital after having Jeffrey, and thinking I looked good. I didn’t still have a pregnant bump like some woman, and I didn’t look at myself as being huge anymore. And even though I am 25lbs less than I was pre-pregnancy and I still wear size 14/16…I feel good about myself. Or I don’t feel bad.

Part of it’s that I view myself different as a mother and from who I was before. Part of it is that, yes I have a son so body issues aren’t quite as important but being a role model to myself as woman who likes and respects herself is important. Part of it is that I don’t complain or hate myself because if I wanted to change it, I have the power to. I could exercise more and eat better, but I’m not ready too, I’m too lazy and I accept that for the moment. At some point that will change but it won’t be because I think I’m fat and ugly. It’s because I want to be able to chase my son around at the park and not have to say no when he wants to go for a bike ride because I would be too winded. It will change for the convenience of not having to hunt hunt hunt for clothes to wear (plus size stores are so limited). It will change when I remember that when I do eat healthy and work out, I feel like a better me.

But for now, this is me.

I took these pictures because I thought I needed the time in the mirror, to remember that I don’t hate my body, and that it’s okay to inspect it once in a while. I have flaws and I embrace them. I have beautiful parts of me and I embrace them.

When was the last time you took a moment to look in the mirror? Maybe it’s time.

Currently…

Obsessing over:

Nesting. I think I’m probably driving Scott crazy by now. I keep just adding on to our list of things I want to do in general and for baby before he gets here! I’ve gone nesting crazy and while it’s tiring, I’m honestly loving it.

Working on:

Lots of blog posts to schedule while I’m on Blog Maternity Leave. And lists and lists of things I want to get done before baby (including backing up images, cleaning up book marks etc). Lots of work to do!

Thinking about:

The coffee I had earlier and how yummy it was. I love coffee so much.

Anticipating:

Baby boys arrival! The geek in me would love a Star Wars Day (“May the 4th”) baby, but I have this feeling he’ll come early but who knows?!

Listening to:

Little Romance by Ingrid Michaelson on Pandora.

Eating:

Milk Chocolate Almond Kisses.Just a filler until chocolate ice cream for dessert.

Wishing:

This coming week will bring better things to my life and I can have a day (or an hour or two) without anxiety.

Share your own ‘currently’ in the comments below or on your own blog and link back to me.

I’ve seen this all over a lot of blogs but I borrowed it from my good friend Angie.

A. Age: 20
B. Bed size: Queen!
C. Chore that you hate: All of them? The only thing I don’t hate is vacuuming.
D. Dogs: Love! We’ll get a cute puppy in a few years hopefully.
E. Essential start to your day: Lying in bed for a while and waking up slowly.
F. Favorite color: A nice sage-y green.
G. Gold or Silver: White gold!!! <- me too Angie!
H. Height: % foot 1 inches. I know, so short!
I. Instruments you play: None. Although, I own 2 guitars and a flute.
J. Job title: Blogger, Photographer, Blog Designer.
K. Kids: Cute, can’t wait to have some.
L. Live: Suburbs of Pittsburgh, PA
M. Mother’s name: Jeanine.
N. Nicknames: Kendi, but only a few family members call me that. No other nicknames! Sad.
O. Overnight hospital stays: When I was like 3 or 4.
P. Pet peeves: When people don’t turn when there are obviously 2 lanes to turn in to.
Q. Quote from a movie: The first two I thought of: “It’s a trap!” and “Game over man, game over!” And if you don’t know what those are from…I don’t know if we can be friends. (just kidding!) (kind of…)
R. Right or left handed: Right
S. Siblings: 2 brothers and 1 sister. All older than me.
U. Underwear: Cotton Boy Shorts are the cutest and most comfy!
V. Vegetable you hate: Most? I actually have a hard time thinking of veggies I do like. I love me some fruit though!
W. What makes you run late: Nothing. I’m always early, I HATE being late!
X. X-Rays you’ve had: Ankle maybe? That’s all I can think of.
Y. Yummy food that you make: Brownies!!
Z. Zoo animal: Penguins and Monkeys

That was fun! If you do an A to Z of you, please send a link back to me and let me know so I can check it out and get to know you too!

Yesterday I read a post by Cassie from The Veda House in which she talked about how nerdy she is. Cassie also linked to this post by Michelle at Oh, Mishka for some more nerdiness.) And I thought the idea of sharing why you’re so nerdy was cute and I wanted to join in the fun!

I know being nerdy is kind of in and trendy right now, but I think I’ve always been a nerd so I hope you don’t hold it against me!

Here’s why I’m Nerdy: (yes with a capital N)

1-I know a lot about computers. What makes them work and how to fix them. I’m also pretty much in love with my computer. My brother built it for me with pretty top of the line parts and it’s awesome.

2-I am obsessed, OBSESSED with Star Wars like you wouldn’t imagine.(really only the original trilogy). It’s kind of sick how often I bring it up.

3-In the post my Michelle and in the comments, many people were talking about being obsessed with Harry Potter. I love Harry Potter BOOKS (never ever ever the movies) so I’ll list that too!

4-I like to code. Blog coding anyways and design. I dream about it sometimes.

5-I love space. Like astronomy. I am so fascinated with the universe, stars, and all of that.

6-Which brings me to…yes I do believe in aliens.

7-And Ghosts.

8-I like video games. Maybe not as much as my fiance, but quite a bit. I love N64 and Xbox 360 the most.

9-I like to think. Seriously. That sounds so odd when I say it but I love to think and process and analyze(literature and movies).

10-In the same vain, I miss school! This is the first year of my life I haven’t been in school and I actually really miss it. When I was younger (high school), I used to say I wanted to be in college forever…studying anything and everything that took my fancy. That would be amazing wouldn’t it?

11-I wear glasses. Is that still nerdy? Do people still really make fun of people for this? Honestly, I’m curious.

12-I sleep with a stuffed animal, every night. It’s Eeyore and he has no stuffing left in his neck, he looks rather sad.

13-I like to read. Okay no, I LOVE to read. Did you know there are some people out there who DON’T read? And they aren’t like rare and like BigFoot, I’ve seen them and talked to them. It baffles my mind. What do you do if you don’t read?!

14-I like fantasy and sci-fi novels.

15-I write. And I love to write fantasy so I can make up my own worlds, use mythological creatures and talk about space and magic.

16-I know how to use a camera. All the technical stuff.

17-I love the smell of darkroom chemicals. I don’t know if that’s nerdy but it sure is weird, right?

18-I take lots and lots of notes.

19-As seen in the picture above (and originally in this post), I make funny faces when I take self portraits, usually because the lens won’t focus on me.

That’s all I can think of right now but that’s more than I thought I could come up with!

♥Are you nerdy? Tell me why in the comments or make your own post and send me the link!