It’s hard to live with a mental illness. It’s lonely and painful. But we don’t often look at it from the other side of the coin. We so often talk about raising awareness and getting rid of the stigma surrounding mental illnesses, we fail to look at those around us who love and support us.

I wanted to offer some advice for those who don’t have a mental illness, but for those of you out there who are have a loved one with a mental illness.

Be there.

Probably the most obvious advice but sometimes…it’s not. Don’t be on top of your loved one every second asking if they need something, need to talk, are depressed, etc. But when they need you, be there. Support them, love them, nurture them. Ask if they need to talk and if they say, “no”, sometimes it’s best to ask: “Do you need space or are you just pushing me away? Will we talk later?”

Don’t take everything personally.

This one can be hard. For my fiance and I it is because he also has depression, while not as severe as I do, it’s still there. It’s important to remember that your loved one isn’t being mean, angry, sad, hurtful toward you on purpose. Sometimes it’s all they can do, the only way they can communicate is to yell or shut you out. Sometimes, it will inconvience your life but remember they aren’t doing it on purpose to ruin your life or hurt you.

Educate yourself.

A lot of people don’t understand mental illnesses unless it’s happening to them. I can’t give advice to really comprehend what it’s like to be in the shoes of someone with a mental illness, but you can educate yourself. Read books, talk to your loved ones therapist and ask for information, recommendations and advice.

Make sure they have the help they need.

Some people with depression (or other mental illnesses) will refuse help. I know personally, as much as I said the past 3 years to my fiance, “I need help. Why won’t anyone help me?” I wasn’t willing to actually get the help I so desperately needed and wanted. Sometimes you need to pick up the phone and make that appointment, and then drive and sit in the office with them to get the ball rolling.

Take time for self care.

Yes. One of the most important things is to take care of yourself as well. It can be so consuming to support someone with a mental illness but you won’t be any help to them if you break down too from stress or lack of alone time. Depending on your and your loved ones situation, you may need to ask a friend over to sit with them while you go out for an hour or two and go to the bookstore, for a walk or just out to lunch alone. Don’t neglect your own health and self care.

Having a mental illnesses affects more than just the person suffering. While you are immersed in the disease, you feel so lonely even when your loved ones are around. It’s not easy to be the one with the mental illness and it’s not easy to be the one loving and supporting the person with the mental illness. But these are real and I hope my advice can offer a little support to you out there who need it.

Do you, or a loved one need more help? I’m offering mentoring sessions to help get you on the path to recovery. Go here to read more in and get in touch. I’m also here to help those who are supporting someone with a mental illness if they need to talk.

(*please note: I am not a therapist or doctor and my services should not be used in place of therapy or medication if it is needful.)

1- It takes a village.

I’m sure you’ve heard this phrase before but really, it’s so true. I know some of you are not as blessed with parents or in-laws who are enjoyable to be around or let them help out but if you have that or if you have friends that are available…make use of them! We’re really lucky to be living with my parents right now, my mom takes baby Jeff at least once a day and that time to rest, cuddle, work or get out of the house is a blessing. It’s also great to have someone who’s done it all before around, even though sometimes it feels like we’re doing everything wrong it’s still nice to have that experience around daily.

2-Alone time with your significant other is important.

I’m a firm believer in a “marriage-centered” relationship and focusing on your other half just as much as your kids. Scott, my fiance, and I had a really strong relationship before we got pregnant and it’s only strengthened more since. Take the time to nurture your relationship, which is really hard with a newborn. If nothing else, spend 10 minutes talking and cuddling in bed at the end of every day. It will help.

3-Figure out who is best at what.

One parent is going to be better at something than the other, that’s just how it works. And it’s okay. Take advantage of it. For us, Daddy is so much better at calming baby down and getting him to sleep, I don’t know why…I think it might be because I have the boobs and baby Jeff thinks the more he cries while I hold him the more likely I’ll feed him/let him comfort nurse. So most days and nights, Daddy gets to rock and bounce the baby to sleep and it works for us.

4-Get an App to keep track of feedings (and poos, pees, medicine/vitamins and growth).

I love having something that tells me the last time baby Jeff ate! Sometimes he’s really fussy and I know he’s not hungry yet because the app tells me it’s only been 35 minutes since he ate last. Trust me, don’t try to just remember it on your own…you won’t. I use my app to keep track of when we give him a bath, when I take vitamins or pain pills (essential the first 2 weeks when I was taking Tylenol constantly).

5-Bouncer or swing.

We received a swing at our baby shower which was fantastic! Unfortunately, baby Jeff hates the swing but we learned pretty fast that he loves loves loves to bounce! So we picked up a bouncer and we can usually get him to sit in it, calmly for about 15 minutes at a time. Get one, or both at first and figure out which your baby likes more and stick with it.

6-Take a picture (or two or three…everyday).

Look for those moments in the day that you look at your newborn and just think, “I want to remember this forever,” or “He’s so cute I want to eat his face,” or “I love seeing my significant other holding our child,” and capture that moment. The first month is overwhelming and hard but you’ll want to remember those feelings and those moments later and they can be far and few between.

7-Find something to occupy your time during long feedings or restless nights.

Sitting there thinking can be nice sometimes, but personally it’s rather detrimental to my emotional state. So I learned that my local library has e-books I can download to my phone. Love it! I also browse twitter, instagram and my reader during nursing sessions. Scott sits up with baby Jeff in the early mornings when he refuses to sleep without being held anymore and he has been watching movies on netflix. Find something that interests you and keep it close by while nursing or sitting with a restless baby.

8-If 1 thing calms baby well, give it to him/her often.

About 90% of the time, holding baby Jeff so he can see outside calms him instantly. He could lay and stare outside for hours (maybe…okay probably an hour at most) and be perfectly content. It’s awesome and amazing. Find something that is so entrancing and calming to your baby and use it, often.

9-Snacks for mom.

Keep snacks for mom nearby during nursing sessions. You get hungry. If there aren’t snacks nearby, be sure your significant other is around to get you food and water.

10-If you’re uncomfortable baby is most happy.

I hate to admit it but it’s true. Think of the most uncomfortable position to sit in for hours on end and that’s probably the only way baby will be calm and sleep. Get used to it.

11-Pick up at the end of the day.

I know the last thing we all want to do at the end of a day with a newborn is clean but it can really help your sanity the next day if you spend 10 minutes tidying up your most used areas.

12-Give yourself a break.

This has been a hard one for me! Sure, if you’re reading this you’re probably present or active online and on social media somehow. If you read my blog you probably have hobbies like art, photography, blogging etc and those things are great and might even be your job. But ya know what? You just had a baby! Give yourself a damn break and don’t stress or worry about your blog or your twitter for at least a month. Just let it go. Go look at your baby and tell me that isn’t better than staring at the screen, honestly.

13-Let him sleep however he wants to.

This might be a hard one for some parents. I know they say ‘back is best’ but sometimes, if baby won’t stop screaming while lying on his back…just put him on his side! It’s okay, I promise. For us, we don’t really have choice since baby Jeff has rolled to his side from his back since day 1. He very rarely sleeps on his back and that’s okay.

14-You can’t spoil a newborn.

This is common advice too and I think it’s true. Newborn babies were nice and warm and close to mom for over 9 months, it’s scary to suddenly be in the open world and have to be away from mom. It’s okay to hold your newborn 24/7, you won’t ruin him and make him needy for life.

15-Get out of the house.

Be a normal human for an hour and get coffee, go grocery shopping or go to a park. After a week home with baby Jeff, Scott and I got out of the house for an hour to get coffee and just be together. You can take the baby with you if you want but trips out alone are great too. You’ll be showered, in real clothes and interacting with adults. You might just feel human again even with the lack of sleep.

There are so many more tips, tricks and advice I (and most parents) could give but I don’t want to sound to preach-y or push-y ha! Trust me, I still have no idea what I’m doing but I’ve learned a few things along the way that might help some other lost new parents. Good luck!

(If you have a request or suggestion for a Tips topic, please contact me here or on twitter.)

So, in honor of our anniversary I thought I would write some tips on love and relationships this month. I’m not going to say our relationship is perfect, because it’s not however I think we do pretty damn well and I think it’s amazing that even after all this time, I still actually like the guy and hate hate hate being apart from him.

1- Talk

One of the most important things I can say about having a successful relationship is that you need to talk. I wrote last year in my Weekly Tips: Relationships post about talking as well. Here is a summarized version of what I wrote:
When I talk to friends or family or read on blogs/twitter about people complaining or asking for advice on their relationship, I get very frustrated. So many times I read/get told about how they don’t like x or y that their significant other does. And they always tell me they haven’t talked to their partner about their problem. Seriously, if you don’t feel comfortable bringing up a discussion about anything and everything with your partner there’s a problem. I tell my fiance everything. If I’m annoyed by something he’s doing, he knows it. If there’s something I think we need to fix in our relationship, I tell him. If he’s not paying enough attention to me, I tell him. If I don’t feel like kissing or cuddling, he knows. If I want more of something from him, I tell him.

You need to talk about the good and the bad, the doubt and the love, the ugly and the beautiful.

2- Find someone who understands.

I’ve known a lot of people who are in relationships where their significant other doesn’t understand something about them. Most specifically, depression, anxiety, OCD or other mental illnesses. They aren’t supportive or loving or they think it’s all “in your head” and so not only do you not talk (see tip #1), but having the most important person in your life not understand something so deeply a part of who you are can be tough. And probably something to avoid, in my opinion.

3- You don’t always have to be two peas in a pod.

It’s fantastic to be in a relationship with someone that you have similar interest to. Honestly, to a point it’s essential but that doesn’t mean you always both have to like the exact same things all the time. My fiance, Scott, is a huge gamer and I like games but I don’t feel like playing as often as he does. And that’s okay. It’s also okay that he’s not as in to blogging as I am. We spend a lot of nights sitting at our respective computers doing what we enjoy but still being together and talking.

4- Discuss the important things

Religion, politics, kids. Even if you don’t realize it right now, there are beliefs and dreams and goals you have that are ‘deal breakers’. You should discuss these important topics with your significant other, you don’t want to end up in a situation of being pregnant and finding out you have completely different ideals and morals. If you feel like you can’t talk about these things, you’re afraid of the reaction if you bring something up, that’s not a great sign either.

5- Go out every week.

My fiance and I spend a lot of time together. We’re currently expecting our first child so we’ve had each others attention for the past 8 years. But we still make time to go out on little coffee dates weekly and we will keep doing so even after we have kids. Even though we spend every day together, it’s nice to have some time set aside that we know is just for us being together and enjoying each other without having to worry about anything else.

6- Be independent.

Love is great but let yourself be independent. Don’t be in a relationship that you have to run everything by the other person, you don’t want to have to check in constantly or do things a certain way just because your other half wants it done that way. Compromise to a point, but still let yourself be your own person, have your own life and don’t let your other half change you to a worse you.

7- Be patient and don’t hold grudges.

There will be times when you fight or argue or just plain don’t like each other. I’ll admit that I’m notorious for telling my fiance that I love him but that I don’t like him right at that moment and that’s perfectly fine. Thankfully, he’s learned to be patient and I never hold grudges so even when we do argue (very very often) or are annoyed with each other, it’s over in a few hours or the next morning. Don’t hold a grudge with your significant other and pay attention to what they are feeling during an argument or rough patch too and be patient with their attitude and/or need for space.

8- Be spontaneous.

In the romance department. Buy each other little gifts, flowers or chocolate for no reason at all. Make your other half breakfast in bed (even if it’s just cereal and coffee!), give them a hug randomly or randomly tell them you love them for no reason at all. Let them know you’re thinking about them at the most random times of the day and that you appreciate them.

9-Have a marriage centered relationship.

Now, most of the things I’ve read about marriage centered relationships are from religious articles and sources but there’s no reason you have to be religious or Christian to have a marriage centered relationship. This is kind of a controversial topic I think but in my opinion it’s really important. Most people, after having kids tend to shift their focus to their children instead of their partner, which is great…until you get lost and your relationship with your partner suffers. If you have a rocky relationship with your partner and father/mother of your children, they will know and their lives will suffer too. Give yourself time to go on weekly dates, be spontaneous and patient and remember you love each other.

10- A good relationship can handle any distance.

I’m going to be honest, any sort of distance for any length of time is a total bitch. It’s hard and testing and sad. My fiance and I were long distance (500+miles) for over 6 years and it was the worst. But, not only did we survive…we are a better couple because of it. You learn so much about a person and discuss topics you might not in person when all you can do is actually ya know…talk.

11- Collaborate.

Try working on a project together…paint a room, write a book(or short story), build a bookshelf. How did it go? Were you frustrated with each other or did you have fun and enjoy it? You should enjoy it. This brings us back to talking and patience. If you enjoy collaborating and working on the little things with each other, it will be easier to work on your relationship and feel supported by your partner in your own ventures.

12- Adventures can spice things up.

If you’re bored in your personal daily life, you might end up bored in your relationship and that’s never a fun place to be! We all get bored, even if your relationship is solid and you work on it but daily routines can become boring. A change of scenery and a break of the mundane can liven up your life and your relationship. Take a weekend and hop in the car, drive in one direction for a few hours and see where you two end up. Find a new store to wander in, a new park to check out, go on a picnic if you haven’t in a while or go ice skating on a whim. Switch it up.

13- Be silly.

Yes, we all need to grow up at some point but we don’t always have to act like grown ups. Be as silly as you want to be with your other half, because they won’t judge you and it’s fun. Tickle each other, wrestle, make jokes and make funny faces for no reason. Don’t be afraid to let yourself go and just enjoy.

14- Respect and family.

Family is one of the most important things in life, so don’t rock the boat with your partner’s family! How they feel about you can and will impact your relationship. Be a good person, be respective and try to make relationships with their parents and siblings.

15- Talk.

My most important and repeated tip. Just talk.

There are so many ways to have a great relationship but even if you feel like soul mates, it takes work. It will always take work and more importantly…you need to want to take the time and energy to do the work involved. Don’t become complacent, or bored. You need to want to love and enjoy your partner for life. I hope these tips help you in your current and future relationships!

I’d like to thank my awesome fiance, Scott, for helping me out with this list of tips!

(If you have a request or suggestion for a Tips topic, please contact me here or on twitter.)

I’ll admit I have only guest posted myself on a select few blogs so far, I have had a lot of guest posters here at Like a Bird. Through having so many, I’ve learned the things I appreciate from guest posters and things I know I’ll try to do in the future when I guest post for others too. I hope you find these tips helpful when you’re trying to guest for other bloggers!

1- Come to the table with ideas.

Many times, bloggers are responding to a call for guest posters instead of just cold calling bloggers. Both options are great, but if you are responding to a call be sure you have ideas when you get in touch with that blogger. Your ideas don’t have to be specific but come prepared with an idea or two. It can be more specific like ‘tips on thrifting dresses’ or more vague like ‘jewelry’. If you are really unsure, check their blog to see if they have a guest post series with a specific topic and be sure to check past guest posts and regular posts for other ideas.

2- Respond in a timely manner.

When you email a blogger asking to guest post for them and they reply, be sure you email them back in a timely manner. I wouldn’t recommend any longer than a week, but 3 or 4 days would be best.

3- Follow guest posting guidelines.

Most blogs will have guideline for their posts and a certain way to submit a post. Some will want a bio and picture of you, some will want a specific word length. Be sure to read the guest posting guidelines either on their site or ask for their guidelines when you email the blogger.

4- Write in html.

Don’t give the blogger more work, they probably have enough to do with their own work. They don’t want to have to format your post for you. I’m currently working on writing up some tips on writing a post in html and submitting it via email but if you don’t know how to write a blog post in html, check out this style guide from zenhabits for a basic start.

5- Communication

Keep in communication with the blogger. If you are respond to a call for guest posters and the host blogger emails you back with topics for you to write about and you aren’t excited about any, email them back and tell them you aren’t interested in posting at that time. Most bloggers, when sending out a call for posters, are actually in need of posters so again, don’t leave the host blog hanging thinking they have you locked in for a space when you will never be writing it.

6- Use images and credit correctly.

Copyright is a very serious thing and images used without permission or used without giving proper credit can get you in a lot of trouble. If you plan to include pictures in your guest post (and you should), either use your own pictures or correctly source your images. Check out this post about crediting photos on frolic! if you don’t know how to properly source and credit your images.

7- Don’t half ass the post.

Don’t write your 2nd best material. Take your time with your guest posts and write good content. Remember that you not only representing the host blog but also yourself and your personal blog and/or business. If you have a certain image or branding you try to maintain on your blog/twitter/business, keep that image across your guest posts and don’t submit anything you wouldn’t post on your own blog. Don’t submit your post 1 day after talking to the blogger and getting the go-ahead, it will seem like you don’t care. Take your time, edit your post and make sure all your formatting is correct.

8- Write unique content.

Write something new and different. Try not to repeat topics the blog you are writing for has had before and don’t just copy and paste an old post of yours. The same as not half-assing your post, just because it’s not on your blog doesn’t mean it doesn’t have to be unique and quality content. It does. Always.

9- Only query blogs that are similar to what you normally write about.

It’s kind of silly to be querying a sports blog if all you write about is babies. Sometimes crossovers can work, so if you’re a fashion blogger there may be a time to query sports blogs but for the most part, stick to blogs with similar themes and topics.

10- Read some of the posts on the blog you are guest posting for, before you offer to post with them.

Seems logical, if it’s a blog you don’t ready daily or often especially, to make sure the blog is similar to yours. But sometimes people forget to do this and it can really help you out when coming up with ideas, formatting and being personable/relating to the blogger themselves.

11- Get your post in by the deadline.

If you are answering a call for guest posters and not just cold calling with a guest post ready, then the blogger will probably give you a deadline. Meet your deadline. And if you can’t, email the blogger as early as you can to ask if an extension of a day or two is okay. Don’t leave them hanging.

12- Be sure to thank the blogger after the post is up.

Either via twitter, facebook or email. It never hurts to let them know that you would be willing to post again. For me, if I have a guest posting opportunity or a new series coming up, I would rather email and ask people I know that write well and have guested for me before than try to hunt down others.

13- Reply to comments

After you write your post and submit it to the host blogger, your job isn’t over! Be sure to check the post the day it’s posted (as well as several days-a week after) and reply to comments, view blogs from commenters and interact with your audience. You would do the same on your own blog, so be sure to do it on your guest posts too!

14- Promote your post. twitter, blog, facebook.

Again, you promote the posts on your own blog, so you should do it for a guest post on another blog as well.

15- Be yourself but pay attention to the host blogs style.

You want to be yourself, sell yourself to a point because usually we’re guest posting to generate readers to our own blogs, right? So you want to write in your own style but make sure you take the time to look at the host blogs style first. If they don’t usually swear, it might be for a reason so don’t include it in your post.

Good luck with your future guest posting opportunities and I hope these tips help get you more connections and spread your name around the blogosphere!

(If you have a request or suggestion for a Tips topic, please contact me here or on twitter.)

What have you done/ are doing to make your life fulfilling? What makes your life unique? What do you wish you could change? What advice do you have for others?

I remember feeling inspired when I read these questions and now as I sit here, I’m drawing a blank.

My philosophy on blogging is we need to be honest and real, so I’m going to do just that. Most days, I don’t feel fulfilled, I feel lost and out of control.

I guess I should back track a bit, before going forward.

I’m an artist. I say that with certainty, because I know it in my bones. A few years ago, I would have said “I’m a photographer”. It was my passion, my dream, it made my life fulfilling, it was my everything. So I pursued it, I traveled 1000 miles from the only home I had ever known for 18 years to a big scary city, living in an apartment all by myself. Everything became lost. Through a number of things, I lost my passion for photography and fled that scary city. It’s been over a year and while I’m slowly, finally getting to know more about me and what I want and am so excited to be a mother for the first time…my new path and my new passion hasn’t yet opened up to me.

It’s a journey, trying to find your way with nothing to go on. It’s hard but I know it will be worth it. Below are some ways I’ve been using to feel fulfilled in my life even when I don’t know where I’m going just yet.

1- Take some time.

Don’t even think about it for a few days, a week…a month even. Let yourself relax and just enjoy what life is giving you. I know, it might not be what you had imagined, but there is still good in it.

2- Do at least 1 thing you love or enjoy everyday.

Maybe the passion you lost, or you have yet to find, was taking up all of your time. You had no spare moments. Well, now you do. So take them, cherish them and do something you love. Read a book, watch a movie, go for a walk. Do something you haven’t done in months, or years! Blow bubbles or do cartwheels. Just have fun and love.

3- Help others.

One thing that makes me feel fulfilled and overjoyed is helping other people. It could be helping them start an etsy store, learn how to art journal, give them tips on photography, be a supportive friend or do something bigger, for more than one person like donating clothes or helping at a food bank. But help in a way that brings joy to you and that makes your soul shine.

4- Keep a journal.

It can be a visual journal, a diary, Morning Pages, or something else but write down your thoughts and feelings everyday. You can use it as a place to complain about life, to praise yourself and the things you love about you and your life. You can take some time to brainstorm what you love the most, what makes you overjoyed and what you want to do with the rest of your life. Just get your words down. You don’t have to be a writer, you don’t even need to know how to spell things properly…just write.

5- Be open to the changes.

This has been one of the hardest for me. You need to be open to the fact that your life isn’t going to necessarily be what you pictured before now. Things are different, and that’s okay.

Feeling fulfilled and happy with life and your career is a hard thing to come by. And trying to consciously figure those things out can be even harder, longer journey but it’s worth it. In some strange way, I do feel fulfilled working on myself, I’m not to where I want to be in life but I feel fulfilled and in the right direction that I’m trying.

Are you fulfilled? Do you have any tips, or thoughts to share?