(the above picture is a section from the journal page I worked on today)
This morning I was thinking about my blog, generally wallowing in self pity because I wish I got more exposure, wish more people commented, wish I had made more friends by now, yadda yadda…nothing important and nothing new to be wallowing about.
While I was thinking about my blog and how much I am utterly in love with my new design, the new direct I think my new title leads me in…I’m not 100% happy with the content of my blog. For several reasons:
1. Where did my art journals go? RIGHT? I used to put them up all the time. For a few weeks after making a promise to myself to journal at least once a week, I kept up with it. Today I went to start a new page and my last page was done Feb 17…I’m not so good at math but that’s more than a week, right? Sad I know. There are many excuses I could give. I’m busy taking photos for school, busy trying to take care of myself mentally (but that’s what my art journals are FOR isn’t it?), I need new/different glue, I’m not as good as other art journalers. What’s the point, no one is looking.
Some of these excuses are more valid than others, specifically…Who the hell cares if people are looking?! I have always done my art journals for myself, to help me cope with life, deal with my feelings, get out an emotion (happy or sad) and just do art for FUN and not as a chore. I need to get back to that, I need to not care, I need to get messy again and just go for it. My hope for my new art journal mini series on my blog is to not only get myself journaling but to get others to start or to do it more often as well.
2. Where did all the words go? I am just as much a writer as I am a visual artist. And my blog used to reflect that, I use to write out short essays. Now I feel I assault people with pictures. But people are attracted to images right? It makes them interested, pulls them in. I know, it does. But I feel like I’m not being true to myself if I just post pictures (my own and others).
Again more useless excuses…I don’t know what to right. Okay that one is very true and fairly valid in my opinion. I have no idea where to start anymore, my thoughts on life and art and poetry and photography and dreams and hopes and death and love and everything in between has taken a huge beating in the last few months and, while I’m working on getting it back, I’m not there yet.
3. I have been censoring myself. There are many things going on in my head, in my heart and with my art that I have not been talking about, and I should. I should share with others how I feel about art and art school and let others know my experiences and my reasons for not having the greatest time of my life. But I censor. This is the worst thing you can do in a blog right? You should edit yourself, but never censor yourself.
But I haven’t told many people in real life about my feelings with art school so why tell a bunch of strangers? Well I bare my soul to all of you that read my blog on a regular basis or those of you that have just stumbled here on accident, I bare my soul through my art journals, the short writings, my photographs all of it. It’s out there, it’s for you to see. So why shouldn’t I share this part of my life, especially when it’s so relevant to the content of my blog? I should, right? of course.
(above is a piece from a journal page I did about censoring myself in my art journals. That’s even worse than censoring in a blog! No one has to see my journal if I don’t want them to, and I can say whatever I want, good or bad. It’s my diary, my therapy, my friend. I should tell it what I want and I was afraid to. Perhaps I was afraid to admit my own thoughts to myself, I’m not sure. But this page was to tell myself to not be afraid and to just write and to create)
So now what?
I don’t know.
Why am I posting this?
Because I refuse to censor myself anymore, because it’s not worth it.
Because today I gained some pieces of information that made me happy. I let myself relax at the bookstore for a bit, worked in my art journal, found some new amazing bloggers to watch and have decided that I will no longer settle.
Just because this is what my life currently is doesn’t mean it has to stay this way. I can change it, I don’t have to settle if I’m not happy and not enjoying it. Sure, any kind of big change will be hard, but if it’s a different direction than what I’m going in now, it might be worth it. Hell, maybe if I make a 180, things will still suck, but I won’t know until I try right? I’m not happy where I am (physically, emotionally and artistically), so I will not settle.
:)
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