What do I need? What do I need?
I ask myself this question over and over and over again.
While I’m drinking my coffee and watching my son play as I try to wake up enough to interact with humans in the morning.
When I’m trying to get my son to sleep for his nap and he just won’t stop fighting and argh why me?!
When I’m eating lunch.
When I’m in the middle of a panic attack.
When I’m saying hello to my fiance at the end of a long, beautiful, awesome, terrible day….
What do I need?
My mind feels blank and my stomach tenses, anxiety threatening as I sit yearning for words, a plan, inspiration or motivation to hit me in the fucking face but where is it?! Not here.
Not in this new space, this space that’s already being taken over by others and is starting to suffocate me and I just could use a day or a week without my child and then I feel terrible for thinking that way.
And then I look at his beautiful face and say, how could I leave you for more than a few hours? Impossible.
But then he starts crying, my panic rises, the cat won’t stop meowing and pounding at the door for attnetion and my belly is empty and all there is to eat is food that triggers my panic attacks.
WHat do I need? What do I need?
What do I want?
I want so much.
Will I ever have enough?
I want to.
I want to so so bad, it’s not even funny.
How do I get there? How do I make words that are inticing, that are meaningful, authentic, helpful?
How do I create this space to be inviting and welcoming and a community and a place people can stand up and be truthful.
What do I need?
A nap.
And chocolate.
And then the cycle will start over again and I’m lost with no words and that’s the end.
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