Authentic Self

What is my authentic self? What do I mean by that? My authentic self is the person I am deep inside, and it only comes out when I’m being true and honest with myself. I am on a journey. I am on several journeys all at once and they are hard, challenging and soulful. I don’t know where I’m going or where I’m going to end up but I know, I hope, someday in the (near) future, I’ll have a better handle on who my authentic self is.

My therapist says I’m a good communicator and I agree. I think it’s because I’ve been writing in some form since I was 10(probably earlier). I started writing creative fiction in about 5th grade and eventually began to write on a blog in middle school (lots of complaining and swearing!), in high school I wrote a lot of poetry. And I still consider those a lot of my best work, I miss how I used to write back then. I’ve bounced around from creative fiction, poetry, blog writing and personal journaling for years now. So yes, I think I am very good at communicating. I know there is a disconnect in my “well mind” as my therapist calls it. The rational thoughts from my emotions. I know, I KNOW when the emotions and thoughts I am having are irrational. I know that there is no valid reason to be anxious talking to strangers or leaving my bedroom and yet it persists. I’m sitting here writing this post and there is a knot in my stomach. Why?

I sit here trying to take a deep breath, surrounded by the chaos and mess that is 3 people living in one bedroom (not a one bedroom apartment, just one bedroom) and I’m trying to sort through my thoughts and the chaos that is even worse inside of my head and I don’t know what to say or where to go from here. There is an ever persistent voice that tells me my words are unimportant, that I won’t make a difference and that I will never find my authentic self.

This past year, hell the past 3 years have been a roller coaster. Slowly, ever so slowly getting worse as the months pass by. I wish the year my son was born was the happiest of my life but it has not been, it’s been the hardest. There have been so many constant changes the last 3 years and here comes one more. I worry that I won’t have enough time to find myself again.

These journeys are hard work, they take time and thought that I don’t know if I have anymore. I am rambling and I think I’m getting to a place of complaining rather than introspection and that’s never a good place to be.

Breathe.

I need to take control.

I sit here thinking that I want to share and help others heal when I am barely started on the journey to healing and health myself. Maybe I’ll heal as I heal others.

Blog from the heart.

Make yourself cry.

If you write what you are passionate about, readers and fans will follow.

What do I want to blog about? Who do I want to be? Is it more important to decide who I want to be than to figure out who I am? Or is it the same journey, the same quest all wrapped up in to one? I am a lover of fantasy, novels and movies. My mind is enamored with all things medieval, swords, dragons, kings and queens…elves, wizards and magic. Quest. I am on a quest. For what?

breathe. peace. acceptance. control. to find out what makes me tick, what makes my heart and soul happy. Who am I? What do I want?

I wish.
I wish.
what was I going to say?

My life is filled with question marks and while I sit here hoping some day I’ll be influential and make a difference to someone else out there, I wonder how I can possibly do it when I’m such a mess myself. I want so many things and I want them now. Or I want to be headed there now. My life is just beginning but I feel so far behind.

How do others live? Wat do you experience? How do I just let go and tell myself things will be okay? How do I let myself believe it? Honestly? Truly. I need help. I need insight. I know all the uplifting phrases and activities but how do I actually accomplish it? How do I change? What do I need to do for myself?

I wish I could just be. I wish I could wake up with intention and purpose. I wish my child would not scream bloody murder every single time I try to put him to sleep. I wish I felt content with my daily routine, my career goals and my accomplishments. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what to blog about, what to make a career out of, what I can do with my life that would make me happy and make my heart sour.

I want to help. I want to guide. But I think I need to be more at peace with myself and my life than I am right now before I can even attempt those things. I want to be a mentor and a friend. I want to have soul sisters and guides of my own. I want to not worry and agonize over the future on a daily basis. I want to not have to worry about paying our bills, buying diapers for our child or being able to afford gas just to go to interviews. I want to do work I love because I want to, not because I’m forced to. I don’t want to be forced to live a life that feels a fake. A life that is common to many but burdens my heart and soul.

My mind is frazzled and distracted. I cannot focus on the words on my screen. I can barely type this even as I go. The other day I tried to re-read Bird by Bird because I remember feeling so at peace, so inspired and so uplifted the first and second time I read it. I read a page or two and couldn’t remember one word. I cannot focus even on light, fun fiction. I want to connect with bloggers and I know I need to comment and reach out, but I have such a hard time reading posts and recalling what it was about by the time I get to the last word. Where is my sanity? I know I had “pregnancy brain” when I carried Jeffrey and now I suffer from “mom brain” but I worry my anxiety has ruined my mind. I’ve never experienced anxiety to this extreme in my life before and I worry there is no way back for me. What if I can never return to a place of happy and contentment with my goals and my future.

breathe.
breathe.
inhale.

All I can do these days is survive and hope and pray to whatever entity might or might not be watching over us out there that things will turn out okay. Most days, I fail.