The dreaded Artists block? I don’t think so. I know what art/writer’s block feels like and this isn’t it. Being artistically blocked doesn’t scare me, I don’t worry that I won’t ever write or create art again, because I know that its a phase. I know my ideas will come rolling back in.
This…
feels different.
Maybe it’s just a different type of artists block I haven’t experienced before. I should be bursting at the seams with ideas shouldn’t I? I’m literally surrounded by artists on a daily basis now, but I feel mediocre. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I’m having an identity crisis. Granted I wasn’t “the” arty one in high school but I was pretty well known around my friends as a photographer. Now I’m just another student. Sometimes I feel…inadequate. Like I can’t meet the standards. Maybe I won’t have that epiphany, what if my freshman vs sophomore portfolio are both shit? What if I don’t progress like I want to?
My thoughts are rambling. What did I start with?
Numb.
I, for those of you who know me or read regularly, love change. I embrace it, It is a part of the life, the most central part of life I think. Without growth or change there would be no point and nothing to look forward to. So now, why is this change and opportunity for growth pushed me to the edge, I am staring off the edge of a wooden plank, down into a sea full of sharks and am numb.
Maybe there’s too much change, too fast.
I moved almost 1,000 miles away from the only home I’ve ever known. I went from being surrounded by family constantly, to living in an apartment all alone. I used to do art for fun, for myself. Now it’s an assignment I have to get done so I don’t fail the class. Not that I’ve stopped enjoying it, I love being in the darkroom, the smell of those chemicals, the magic that happens as the print appears. But it’s not for me, its to pass. Isn’t it?
Is it?
How do I find my epiphany? Many of the juniors and seniors at AIB that I’ve encountered talk about a point in their art school career that changed them. A certain teacher, a project, an inspiring famous photographer. Maybe I just expect too much? Perhaps I should relax and not force anything, right? That sounds logical.
Unfortunately that’s not the way my brain is programmed.
I don’t think I’m above my peers, necessarily, but I’ve been photographing for longer than most. I need to move on. Or maybe I need to simplify. KISS (keep it simple stupid).
Adjustments are hard. Change is good, but difficult. I’ve never enjoyed city/street photography and yet I am suddenly surrounded by big cities, tons of cars and fast moving trains. Sure, Boston has a lot more ‘natural’ things than most cities I think. But I crave real nature. To be able to look up and see nothing but stars, to be in the middle of nowhere. To see as far as I want, with no buildings, no phone wires in my way. I can dream can’t I?
I feel very…disjointed. Obviously, if you couldn’t tell from my thought process as I write this post.
I should feel more connected than ever to the art community right? But I don’t.
I’m still searching. For something.
Until then….
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