A few weeks ago I wrote a post about setting limits as a blogger. In the spirit of trying to push my limits (just a little), I wanted to talk about my creative journey today.
If you are a regular reader, you’ve probably heard me talk once or twice about my excitement and goal to be a resource for artists, bloggers and young creative girls who suffer from mental illness. I also want to be a guide and friend for those on a journey to learn more about themselves. Because that’s where I’m at right now, or where I’ve been at for the last 2+ years…a slow, meandering journey to learn more about Kendra. It can be difficult and frustratingly slow. So pushing my limits is something I need to do a little here to talk more about my journey.
One of the intentions I had when I left art school was to “find myself”. A big task. But more importantly, I wanted to find what makes me happy, what makes me shine…what I love to do and want as a career. Perhaps even a bigger task. After almost 2 years, I’ve come to know a bit more about what I want. How? I’ve pushed and shoved at so many different options but I always come back to a few different ideas. Being an artist, a blogger, a writer, a resource, a companion, someone people can relate to. Sounds hard to market really. At the moment, I’m not really sure how to accomplish my goals or get to where I want to be. So I work on the things I can. Being a blogger and artist.
I’ve come to realize over the last few weeks how much I push myself and more importantly my artistic endeavors to the extreme. I’ve heard all of the advice that you shouldn’t make art to sell, you make art for you and then it will sell, right? Maybe. Sometimes. For certain people. And since that has never happened, I push. I shove myself to work harder, network more and try to make connections and make people look at my work and hope so hard that they will want to buy it. That never happens and all I end up doing is burning out and pushing myself until I don’t want to create anymore.
More importantly, I push myself until I don’t create for me…I can’t manage to make myself finish The Artist’s Way because it would take too long to learn anything about myself, time I don’t feel I have. I don’t let myself ruminate over something, I don’t play around or try new things as often as I should. I don’t sit with an idea or no idea and slowly let the work come to me. I push and shove and drag work out of myself even when it’s not ready yet. Because I need it to be.
I push and shove myself because of something I rarely talk about on my blog. I push because I’m focused on money. Yes there I said it. Most people don’t talk about it, bloggers don’t often talk about it and neither do artists. I guess it’s not polite or politically correct. But to push my self and learn more about who I am and where I’m going, I need to talk about it. I won’t go into too many horrid details but I’ll say a lot of my anxiety stems from money issues and worrying about paying our rent for the month and all our overdue bills.
And so while I’m here trying to find out what I love most and want to do with my life…I’m stuck trying to make money at the same time. And I love all of this, so I push it too hard to get to a ‘career’ point, to make a living and money off of it. My personal self suffers. My creativity, my art and my growth as an artist suffers. I don’t have time to focus on my art to grow it or improve it. I need to use it. Now. So I do.
I’m struggling with the thought that if/when things change for us…I won’t be able to let myself relax, breathe, take a week…a month…a year to focus on my growth and developing as an artist. Being an artist is one of the largest pieces of the puzzle of Kendra. No matter how hard I’ve pushed it away or struggled with what kind of art I really want to create, it has always called to me in so many ways that I can’t ignore it. I’m afraid I’m ruining my creative self by pushing too hard and trying to twist it into something that’s not quite there yet.
I started writing this post at the end of January and right now it’s the middle of February and I’m trying to edit and schedule it. I have to be honest, this post is incomplete, I don’t know what else to say or where to go with my thoughts and words on this page anymore. I know I needed – need – to talk about this, because like I said, it’s so important to my journey. How can I possible learn to who I am, what I love and learn to love myself if I push too hard and never give myself the time? I don’t know and I don’t know what the solution is either, at least not at this point. So there are some things I’m going to let up on, pushing art that I know isn’t ready and I won’t shove things out into the world that aren’t ready to be shared just yet. I will continue to grow Like a Bird Studios in ways that excite me and that I know I’m ready for, but I will try to remember to breath and enjoy the process.
Do you push yourself too hard? Why and is it hurting you in some way?
3 Comments