This won’t be an every week occurrence but when I need it and when I have time, I want to come to this space and just do some free writing. I want to invite all of you to join me, because it is so healing and meditative to just let your words out. So please, open your draft to full screen (no distractions) and just write, do not filter, do not censor, just…write.
I want so badly to be able to finish. To accomplish. To make something of use to someone else.
I sit here in my room, in the same place I feel like I was month ago.
Medications aren’t working.
I’m still so anxious I don’t know what to do with myself.
I am overwhelmed and panicked and anxious and depressed and in those moments when it’s just the three of us, just our little family I am so utterly in love I think my heart is going to burst from it all.
I close my eyes and don’t know how to go on. My hands are cramping from all the paining (walls) I’ve been doing lately but it still feels like we are no closer to our goal of moving from one bedroom for 3 people to about 600sq ft in the basement.
I’m cold and thirsty and I want more coffee and I want chocolate but I shouldn’t.
My thoughts are so all over the place but that’s the point, that’s what free writing is…isn’t it?
I don’t want to do work. I’m almost done with a new blog design and re-brand but…but…I’m too overwhelmed to just insert images onto a page let alone try to figure out the confusing coding that must be done.
And so instead I sit here writing, trying to hard not to let my panic overtake me, trying to hard not to mindlessly watch tv.
I bow my head and plead with…someone…something who ever the hell is out there to just let the pain go away. I hope hope hope with all my hopes and dreams that my beautiful baby boy never has to suffer like this but I’m not naive enough to really believe it. He has bad genes in the mental health department on both sides and all I can really hope for is that we know enough, we love enough, we understand enough that he’ll be able to get through it and won’t have to feel like this for years like I have.
If you join me in this Free Write Friday, send me a link via the comments or twitter so I can check out your page.