Learning to Fly And Awakening My Souls Purpose

While I love nature and symbolism and believe in the power of energy from crystals…I’ve never been one to take much stock in signs from the universe. Or rather, I guess, I’ve never had a sign so obviously shoved in front of my face before.

The other day, I was driving home from picking up pizza, it had been a tiring day of stay at home mama-hood but I had also gotten a chance to squeeze in a little time to work. I’m once again focusing on new things. Things that feel more “right” more “me”. Blogging about things I want to and not just creating content for contents sake, creating an e-book and a newsletter, doing research, working with coaches.

But I’ve still had my doubts as I’ve bumbled my way through varying “career” goals and paths several times over the years.

So I went out to pick up dinner after the fiance got home to take care of the baby, I needed a breather that day.

“And the sun went down as I crossed the hill
And the town lit up, the world got still

I’m learning to fly, but I ain’t got wings
Coming down is the hardest thing.”

The radio announcer said, “And now Tom Petty with learning to fly.”

As the opening lines and melody began, a beautiful hawk flew past my car, right in front of me.
Just low enough for me to see it, high enough so I couldn’t hit it.

I smiled to myself at the obvious smack in the face from the universe. That was a sign if I ever saw one.

When I got home, I looked online for the meanings behind hawks and hawks crossing your path. The first website I came across said,
“The hawk is considered a messenger, protector and visionary. Keen vision is one of its greatest gifts. Hawks see things others miss. The hawk comes to you indicating that you are now awakening to your soul purpose, your reason for being here. It can teach you how to fly high while keeping yourself connected to the ground. Its message for you is to be open to hope and new ideas, to extend the vision of your life.”

The thing about symbols and signs is that yes, there are common meanings and associations for things but it’s also just as important to listen to your inner voice and let it guide you to the meaning that’s right for you. I read several other sites and the quote above isn’t necessarily the most common meaning for seeing a hawk but it’s the one I was lead to first. It wasn’t the first result in the search but it was the one I felt the need to click on first and I think there’s a reason for that.

What’s the reason? What does it all mean for me and my journey? I’ll be honest I don’t know. I haven’t had the time to meditate on it like I wish I could but I will, soon. It’s obviously all connected to the recent work I’ve been doing and the path I’ve started to take myself down and I think…I think it means I’m going in the right direction and that makes me feel good.

Have you ever had a sign or signs smack you in the face? What did it do for your life?

♥Kendra

 

 

10/31/2012
Like a Bird, reflections | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Thoughts(1)

Prioritizing Time for Different Parts of Myself


I’m writing this in a flurry of words, feeling my heart pounding and my ear tuned to any cries or screams for 6 month old (6 months!!) little Jeffrey downstairs. I am anxious, shake-y and every conscious of the clock ticking (metaphorically) on my desk.

I have felt so good, so proud and so happy with the path I’m starting to take and then the last 3 weeks or so have kind of been a bust.

I try to network and blog with Jeffrey on my lap, or in the 10 minutes he stays happy in his pack and play. He still doesn’t nap (much) on his own and he’s fairly high needs and needs a change of scenery or activities, often.

And so, I am here typing and thinking as fast as I can. I’m working on prioritizing other parts, other hats of myself and give myself time for self care, my relationships attention and my work and blog it’s space to thrive and grow.

So, I will write when I can, continue to take notes and jot down ideas and try to get back to this space often.

♥Kendra

 

 

10/29/2012
Life, Like a Bird | Tagged , , | Thoughts(1)

Grounding, Breathing and Just Needing to Free Write

Deep breath.

Life is on it’s way.
It’s getting better.
It’s moving forward.
It’s on the up.

We are no longer plummeting towards poverty, and that helps my depression and anxiety.

But things aren’t perfect.

I don’t really believe in perfection but what other word is there?

Things aren’t how I picture them in my head when I picture my “perfect life”.

Will they ever be?
I don’t know.
What about you?

Breathe.

I wish I knew how to relax or meditate.

I am sitting here.

Headphones in my ears, listening to Matchbox Twenty at full volume. I can’t turn the mommy off but I can blare my music when he’s not here.
I can open wordpress into full screen mode.

Close my eyes and type.

Yes I’m trying to get in a zone. My eyes are closed, my headphones in, the cloudy sky breaking through the small opening in my curtain beside my desk. breathe. My knee is bouncing in the nervous habit I’ve had for years. It increases with my anxiety. When it gets difficult to breath, hard to concentrate.

“When all we need is some relief from these hard times”

We have though, oh yes, we have gained relief. So much relief. We can pay for our own food. We can pay our bills, hell I have EXTRA money to use. I can’t remember the last time we had that.

And yet.

I’m here. Trying so hard to just be present, be in my own body. Be able to write any, all of the drafts I have saved. They have titles and one or two brainstormed words that I wrote down to remind myself of what I wanted to say and yet I can’t seem to write them.

A week ago they were all ready to come out and I didn’t get any time to work. Not in a while and now when I do, I putz around instead of writing because I can’t. I don’t know what to work on anymore.

Breathe.

Sign along, Kendra. Breathe. Sing.

The bouncing takes conscious effort to stop, and now I begin to tap my foot to the rhythm of the music instead, I breath in as my fingers pound, my eyes closed to all and I picture the words I write on my eye lids, the voice of Matchbox Twenty blaring around me.

There is a calmness I seek. A peace. A…grounding and centering.

Everything is disconnected.
I am here and downstairs with my child at the same time.
I am here and at the office with my fiance.

I am here and not.

My mind is scrambled, my body a wreak with unhealthy food and no exercise.

I am here.

Everything is disconnected. I feel frazzled.

And overwhelmed with stuff and no peace as every aspect of my life doesn’t fit together into one large puzzle. I’m missing pieces and the colors and shapes are all wrong.

So what do I do???

How do I ground myself? I don’t have time to write let alone for self care.

I am racked with guilt for wanting a few days away from my son to regroup, and knowing I can’t have it so what is the point of yearning?

Arcade Fire erupts inside of my ears and I am once again transported back to last autumn and the autumn before and the one before that. Things are so different each year to the next. That’s how I know it will be so completely different next year as well. In 2009 I was moving to Boston, excited for a new year a new adventure. 2010 I was moving away from Boston to Pennsylvania, scared and broken from my experiences at art school. 2011, I was newly pregnant, sick all the time and a shut up in my bedroom. 2012, here I am, my son playing downstairs and I am scattered and loosing control while gaining it at the same time.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Am i going anywhere with any of this?

No. I just needed to write. Needed to breathe, needed to get out thoughts because if I didn’t write something, if I didn’t let my fingers just have control with my eyes closed, nature outside of my door and soulful words pouring in to me, I was going to break today.

And that’s the end.

♥Kendra

 

 

10/23/2012
Like a Bird, Uncategorized | Tagged , , | Thoughts