12 Questions: Week 3

12 Questions is a bi-weekly series on Like a Bird. I will post a deep, soulful question that I hope will encourage introspective, reflection and new understanding of self. I invite and encourage all of my readers to think on the questions and answer them as best as the can, write them in a journal, share in the comments or write a full blog post(just be sure to link back here). I wish you all luck on this journey.

If you feel the need to explain your choices, do so or not. Tell us why you picked your 3 words or just let them sit and be.

My words:

challenging. changing. loving.

♥Kendra

 

 

10/01/2012
12 Questions, Like a Bird | Tagged , , , , , | Thoughts

A Look In The Mirror and Thoughts on Self Acceptance



This is me. As I am today.

Last week, I told my fiance to tell me if I ever have a pimple because I don’t look in the mirror anymore. It made me pause and think.

When was the last time I took a good look at myself? And I don’t mean figuratively or introspectively because I do that on a daily basis. I go days, weeks even without more than a glance in the mirror to make sure my hair isn’t half out of the pony tail on my way out the door.

I take off my glasses before completely undressing before a shower so I can’t properly see myself in the giant mirror that takes up a whole wall. Any why do I do these things?

This was even more brought to my mind recently as my mom and I searched for clothes for my brother’s wedding. I knew I wanted a nice shirt and pants (nursing friendly!) and I encouraged my mom to find a dress (she never wears dresses). I don’t think I heard one positive comment about herself on any of our shopping trips or while we were trying on things at home or even the day of. It was always, “it’s good enough. With spanx I’ll look good enough. I don’t look too fat, right?” I thought she looked beautiful in everything she tried on. What bothered me was most, personally, was that several times she told me she had spanx I could wear. It made me feel insecure, like she thought I needed them or she thought I felt bad enough that I thought I needed them. If that makes any sense.

Truth.
I am a plus size woman. I have been since I can remember.

Truth.
It used to bother me.

Truth.
I like my body more after having a baby.

It’s more than just the fact that my body did amazing things in carrying and birthing a child. Even with all my new stretch marks and the extra skin on my stomach, I still feel better about the way I look than before I was pregnant. I remember coming home from the hospital after having Jeffrey, and thinking I looked good. I didn’t still have a pregnant bump like some woman, and I didn’t look at myself as being huge anymore. And even though I am 25lbs less than I was pre-pregnancy and I still wear size 14/16…I feel good about myself. Or I don’t feel bad.

Part of it’s that I view myself different as a mother and from who I was before. Part of it is that, yes I have a son so body issues aren’t quite as important but being a role model to myself as woman who likes and respects herself is important. Part of it is that I don’t complain or hate myself because if I wanted to change it, I have the power to. I could exercise more and eat better, but I’m not ready too, I’m too lazy and I accept that for the moment. At some point that will change but it won’t be because I think I’m fat and ugly. It’s because I want to be able to chase my son around at the park and not have to say no when he wants to go for a bike ride because I would be too winded. It will change for the convenience of not having to hunt hunt hunt for clothes to wear (plus size stores are so limited). It will change when I remember that when I do eat healthy and work out, I feel like a better me.

But for now, this is me.



I took these pictures because I thought I needed the time in the mirror, to remember that I don’t hate my body, and that it’s okay to inspect it once in a while. I have flaws and I embrace them. I have beautiful parts of me and I embrace them.

When was the last time you took a moment to look in the mirror? Maybe it’s time.

♥Kendra

 

 

09/24/2012
Life, Like a Bird, reflections | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Thoughts(2)

I’m a New Mama Grieving For Her Old Life and That’s Okay

I’m hesitant to write this post, to put these words to the page and then release it unto the world. Why you ask? Because I don’t think this is something often talked about. Because I worry about being alone with my thoughts, although I suspect I’m not. Because it is so easy to be judged for our thoughts and feelings. But I am writing it because it is so easy to feel alone, to get wrapped up in our own minds and I am sure, so sure there are other mamas out there who feel the same and just need someone who feels the same.

I am a mother. It’s a fairly new label for me but one I am most proud of. Right after Jeffrey was born I struggled a lot with feeling bonded. Between my preexisting depression and anxiety I was(am) fighting PPD, guilt over how my labor and delivery happened and issues with breastfeeding hat made me dread his next feeding(nursing has gotten better). Overtime, I would look at his face and feel so much love. As my body healed from birth and those early nursing days and Jeffrey grew and became more aware, we bonded.

And so it is that life moved on. Too fast with a new baby as he learns and grows so much each day. “You’re getting too big,” I say to him often. I am in awe of this little person we made.

That’s not what I”m here to talk about. I”m here to talk about the past. Who I was before I had a baby.

We assume mothers are happy right, maybe, I don’t know. I have this idea in my head that mothers are supposed to be happy and perfect. I’m not sure where the idea came from. Growing up, my own mother definitely showed me she was human and not just a mother. But at the same time, there was a part of her that I didn’t see and maybe that part was the human side I needed. I know, deep down that yes I am a parent and he will look up to me and see me as this wonderful person but I am human, I am flawed. So in my mind, mothers are people who are happy and not “human”. I haven’t read any articles or blogs from other mamas who are grieving for their old lives.

So I’m here to exclaim it from the rooftops.

Sometimes I miss my life pre baby. I miss the freedom of being able to work and be creative all day. I miss the freedom to cuddle with my fiance when I really need to. I miss drinking mochas and driving to see the stars at night with the music blaring. I miss sleep. I miss leaving the house without worry. I miss my me time. I miss my time to find myself. I miss the time to work on my quests and be my own person.

Ya know what?

It’s okay.

I can mourn, I can grieve and I can have days where all I want is to have a mocha, some cigarettes an open road with sound deafening music. And I can still be in love with my son and so happy he’s on this earth. I can miss what life used to be. Because I am HUMAN. I am a mama. I am a writer. I am a creative. I am a mama but I am HUMAN and still my own person.

I will grieve and soon enough I’ll be able to find a new rhythm and a better place. I know that life is so much better with him in it than it was before. I’ve learned and grown more in the last 4 months than the last 2 years before he was born. But I still have my moments of struggling with the sometimes seemingly endless bonds of motherhood. I will get there though and for now, I will take a moment of peace when I can get it.

And you out there? I’m sure there are other mother’s worrying about the same thing. I’m sure there are other mamas out there in mourning for the time and freedom they have lost, whether they intentionally got pregnant or not, I’m sure some of you out there wish for a few days pre baby sometimes, just for a moment of peace. I wanted to tell you it’s not wrong it’s okay to feel this way.

It will get better.

♥Kendra

 

 

09/19/2012
Like a Bird, motherhood, reflections | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Thoughts(5)