The Ups and Downs of Having a Mental Illness

In August, it felt like things were going pretty well for me and my little family.

I was working consistently every week, getting alone time and being productive. I was seeing my awesome art therapist every two weeks. I was starting pole dancing classes, we were making plans for Jeffrey to start French classes. I was feeling good.

I was writing and accomplishing goals left and right.

And then September hit and I got sick.

September is completely lost to me and most of October is too. I’ve been recovering well, I’m still a bit fatigued but overall doing good. Except for my mental health. The only good thing about being pyshically sick is that my mental health takes a back seat and I’m not anxious or depressed.

I guess it decided to catch up to me though because this October has been rough rough rough.

It’s been months since I’ve had anxiety to the point where I can feel it in my breath, my chest is tight for no reason. I’ve had that a lot lately and between dealing with a fussy toddler who had a hard time adjusting with my absecene and sickness, still trying to recover and not be so tired, I’ve been feeling pretty down on myself.

I can’t think about going back to pole dancing or my therapist without being scared right now. Jeffrey starts French classes the first week of November and I’m freaking out about it. I’m hiding and I’m frustrated.

Here’s the thing I’m trying to remember:

This is all 100% perfectly normal and okay.

This journey, this path to wellness is never ending. I know I will have to live with my depression and anxiety my entire life. I will get them manageable. I will have months and months at a time where I accomplish a shit ton of stuff, when I can leave the house and not worry, when I can feel almost…normal (what normal means for me anyways). But there are going to be back slides. That’s just part of the journey and damn it’s hard to accept that when you’re in it, right? Are you there with me right now? Which side are you on?

I’m sitting at my desk looking out at the mix of green and red and yellow and orange leaves on the Maple tree in our background and thinking about the change and flow of life and mental health. Many people suffer from Seasonal Depression in the winter. And writing this feels a bit cliche but I’m trying to think about my mental health in terms of seasons. This is a season, a moment in my life that is darker than others, the sun is turned away and things aren’t so bright. But ya know what? Next week could be different, next month…next season will be different. Because time changes, things shift, life moves forward and the sun and energy and light comes back.

This down slump of my depression and anxiety is just a season. Some seasons in our wellness journey last longer than others and it’s hard, so hard. I’m trying to look at the positive and remember I’ll get back to that good place again, I’ll be excited to leave the house and thrilled for alone time. Right now, I’m not there and a lot of days it’s hard to convince myself it will happen but it will.

Share: In the comments below, let me know what season are you in with your mental health wellness journey? Are you on an up or a down? How do you remain positive when a backslide occurs?