I’m not there yet. There’s still a ways to go but I’m finally FINALLY in a place that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I don’t think you can “cure” mental illnesses but you can treat them and eventually be happy and healthy. I’m almost there.
And I’m feeling fucking terrified when I let myself think about it for real.
What? I know. Weird.
I’ve never known anything except being mentally unwell. When I was 13 and first realized I had depression, I went to a psychiatrist for the first time and she asked me if I could remember the last time I was happy, I couldnt. Not even when I was young.
I’m sure at some point I was a bubbly happy toddler but as far as I could remember, I always had these looming sadness, this unhappy and unconident me lurking inside. I’ve been on and off medication and in and out of therapy since I was 13 and I’ve had so so so so many ups and downs. But I’ve never really felt “well”.
I’ve felt okay. I’ve felt like I could make it through a few days. I’ve felt like as long as there was someone to hold me while I cried and I wasn’t sucicidal anymore, I could do this thing called life.
The last 3 years have been the worst of my journey and the best in a lot of ways. I really feel like I hit rock bottom for a while there. And now, I have so many great tools in place, I have awesome support, I have goals and am making amazing progress every day.
Wellness is in sight and I’m afraid of it. I’m not scared to be happy exactly but I think it’s more that I’m afraid of the change. Change is hard for all of us. And I’ve lived mentally unhealthy for as long as I can remember, that’s over 20 years of being unwell, unhappy and living a certain way. Now I’ll be different. I’ll be content and at peace and enjoy life without worry all the time. And that is terrifying.
Because I’m all about honesty, I’m going to come clean and say I’m afraid of not getting as much attention from my husband. I’m a really need partner and since we were long distance the first 6.5 years, once we were together it was awesome and then our son came along and things changed because…well we were parents. It was totally expected and makes sense and I love seeing my husband with his son. But like a lot of parents, we struggle with spending enough time on us as a couple in a relationship, ya know? Being unwell has meant that I’ve needed more support and time and once I’m well, I won’t. And that scares me too.
My rational mind tells me it will all be okay and I know it will be. I have time to adjust because this change from unwell to well is a slow slow path that I’m walking. I’m getting better every day, every week but I will always have to deal with my mental illnesses. This change is good, but all change is scary.
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