I have been on and off anti-depressants since I was 13. In high school, I got tired of having to take a medication everyday and I wasn’t mature enough to understand the need for it. I thought I was okay enough without it and weaned myself off my medication.
I’ve been on 4 different kinds of anti-depressants since my son was born (in April, 2012). I don’t think every person or every mental illness requires medication but I do think that there is a certain need for it. Some mental illnesses are based on your situation (SAD for example) but some are chemical and require medical treatment and I accept that. I accept that my depression and anxiety stem from chemicals inside of me that do not function right and probably never will without intervention. I hate that it required me to stop breastfeeding but I accepted it.
I’m not necessarily happy with having to take a medication everyday to regulate my body and my emotions but I don’t balk at the thought of it.
So since I got out of the hospital a few months ago, my anxiety has been pretty high. I’ve been trying to build my business and I was really proud of my accomplishments before I got sick. Feeling anxious again and not feeling like I can leave the house on my own was a big blow to my progress.
Last year, my GP suggested Xanax for my anxiety because my anti-depressant really doesn’t do much for my panic disorder. I refused. I didn’t want it. I balked at the idea and resisted. I had done some research and knew that it was addictive. The anti-depressant I’m on now is already going to be hell to wean off of and I’ve accepted it because it’s the one that works for me the best. But I wasn’t ready to take on another drug that would be addictive and hard to come off of when I decided to.
With my anxiety being so bad lately, I’ve been trying to think of what to do and my mind kept falling back on Xanax. I still didn’t want it necessarily but I need a quick fix. I don’t think drugs are the answer here but I have recognized that I need something to get me through while I pull myself together, while I keep fighting and keep working.
I let myself get led down an internet hole of Xanax/klonopin addiction but after talking to my art therapist and my husband, we all agreed it was something I needed to at least try.
I’ve had the prescription for 2 weeks and taken it maybe 4 or 5 times max.
I don’t feel like I need it all the time.
I don’t need it everyday.
I don’t need it every time I feel anxious.
I don’t need it during every panic attack.
I’m not using it to mask my symptoms, triggers or problems.
I’m not using it as a crutch.
I’m not using it to get rid of my emotions.
I use it when I need to be able to function without having constant panic attacks. I took it twice over the Thanksgiving weekend because large groups and extended family bring forth a lot of triggers for me but I needed to be sociable and present. My plan is to use it as little as possible, only when it’s really necessary.
I won’t keep taking it forever. I’m planning to look into more natural treatments for anxiety in the new year (going to try acupuncture and reiki!). I’m working on building my business and improving my life. I’m seeing my therapist and working through the issues in my life that are anxiety triggers.
For now, these little pills are a safety net, something I have if I really really need it. I’m still resistant to taking them every time. I struggle and hold off as long as I can. I still worry about possible addiction and the need to wean off of them but I’ve experienced no side effects so far (aside from tiredness, but they are technically a sedative!). That’s my story, for now anyways.
Share: Do you have a mental illness that is being treated with medication? Tell me some of your struggles and story.
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