Having Mental Illnesses and Being a Mama is the Hardest Thing I Have Ever Gone Through

Kendra and Jeffrey 2013

For the last 15 months, the depression and anxiety I’ve suffered in various forms for almost all of my life has been the most severe. My mental health has been debilitating and harsh and all consuming.

For the last 15 months, I’ve been a mama for the first time to a beautiful little boy named Jeffrey.

Over the past 15 month motherhood journey, I’ve also begun my journey to healing and taking care of myself.

I can’t count the times I’ve uttered to myself or my son’s father these words, “Having a mental illnesses and being a mama is the hardest thing I have ever gone through.” Especially to a high needs, re-flux-y little boy who won’t sleep on his own. Thankfully,  the older he’s gotten, the more independent he’s become and he plays well by himself.

As I draft this, I sit watching my son play on the floor. He’s running around, a plastic ring on his arm like a bracelet, a playing cars stuck to his foot. He’s in a cloth diaper and a t-shirt because it’s hot and humid. He’s enraptured with the patio beyond the door. He’s been walking for almost 5 months now and he’s a pro. His giggles are contagious and I can’t help but catch him mid run every 10 minutes to nom on his belly and induce those full body laughs that I love so much

My biggest worry these last 15 months is making sure my son is okay. That he grows up happy and healthy. But more than that, my hope is that he grows up with a mother who is present mentally more often than not. I’ve worried myself sick hoping the anxiety I suffered while pregnant and the panic attacks his little eyes gazed at for most of his first year and beyond haven’t had a negative lasting impact.

These last 15 months have been some of the hardest of my life, my own body and mind are completely against me, warring on a near constant basis

And yes.

These last 15 months have been some of the most happy and enjoyable I’e ever experienced as well. There is nothing more amazing than watching the person you carried for 9 months, who is made of a part of you and who you birthed in this world grow, learn, develop opinions and become a person.

I am on my path toward recovery and improved mental health but for now, I know I am not always 100% present. But when I am sitting with my son, playing or reading or talking or exploring and I AM 100% mentally present and there for him…I am so much more acutely aware of everything and how awesome it is to raise a child and be a mother.

I take note of every part of him and all his new habits and opinions and every time he learns something new I am in awe and I clap and cheer and hug him to pieces. I know I would never be as excited or as keenly aware of everything if I didn’t suffer mental health problems and for that reason alone I am grateful.

♥Kendra

Share: What is the hardest thing you have had to deal with while also suffering with mental illness(es)? How can you find the positive in that situation?

 

 

Note: The image of Jeffrey and I in this post is by the lovely Emily Plunkett taken on my wedding day.

11/19/2013
Like a Bird, my mental health | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Thoughts(2)

Join Me for My New Creative #MindfulMondayPractice

Join Me for My New Creative #MindfulMondayPractice

I’ve never been good at meditating. Or I haven’t practiced enough to figure out what works for me, I guess. I know that the idea of a “mindfulness meditation” or some kind of “mindfulness” practice is really intriguing to me. I am the kind of person that is forever stuck in her own damn head and can’t get out. I’m stuck on my own thoughts and feelings and emotions and how I’m reacting mentally or emotionally and not physically.

So I’ve tried some mindfulness activities of sitting and focusing on my body. I try to feel my physical body and how my emotions are affecting me physically without adding judgement. Let me tell you, it’s hard. So I gave up like I do with most meditation practices because I just couldn’t get into it “right” and got too frustrated.

I tried to look at mindfulness in a different way. I wanted to explore photography or art as a mindfulness practice but for some reason the idea wasn’t clicking right in my head every time I thought about it.

And then…it clicked…

Mindfulness equals observation.
It’s about getting out of my own head and into the world around me.
It’s about not thinking or even feeling, it’s about observing.

What part of me is a better observer than the photographer side?

I’ve used this idea for longer than I realized what it was and putting a name to it makes it feel more…spiritual, more important. I’ve practiced mindfulness with my son almost everyday. I look for those moments and faces and spaces in time that need to be captured so I can remember them when he grows up. While I have my phone in my hand, ready to snap a picture, it oddly keeps me more present for him and our time together. I’m ready to expand this practice and create art and photographs and observe more of the world around me again.

Join me for #MindfulMondayPractice

Focus.
Slow down.
Feeling anxious, tired, stressed, sad…even good emotions like happiness or excitement? Take a moment every so often on every Monday and be mindful.
Take a breath, look around you.
What catches your eye? What is beautiful to you? What is horrifying? What is meaningful? What is inspiring? What is ugly?
Where is the light hitting just the right angle? Where are the shadows and darkness making a statement? Where is there a shape that just oozes movement without any motion?

Capture it. Capture it all.

Upload your images it to Instagram or Twitter and use the hashtag #MindfulMondayPractice

You can also tag me in your posts, so be sure to follow me on Instagram and Twitter

♥Kendra

Share: Do you have any other mindfulness or meditation practices you utilize for your wellness? If not join on in! Share your instagram or twitter name in the comments below so others can follow you.

ps- if I get enough of you participating, I would love to start sharing some of your photos here on the blog so spread the word!
 

11/15/2013
#MindfulMondayPractice, Like a Bird | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Thoughts(2)

If You Are Going Through a Rough Patch in Your Life, This Space is For You Too

If You Are Going Through a Rough Patch in Your Life, This Space is For You Too

I know there are many of you out there reading my articles and thinking, “Yes this feels like me right now.” But you are also thinking, “This isn’t a usual occurrence and it hasn’t been happening long or won’t happen long.”

Maybe it’s been a rainy month and the weather affects your mood. Maybe you’re going through a breakup or a job loss or can’t figure out what you want to do with your life and it’s got you down in the dumps.

Guess what?

I’m here for all of you, too.

Just because you don’t have a problem that is medical doesn’t mean you don’t need support or help through this time in your life. It’s okay to reach out. Mental health wellness is not just for those of us with an actual illness. If you are going through a rough patch in your life lately, your mental health wellness is not up to snuff either and if you’re here, that means you agree and are seeking help or answers or support or just someone who understands! Am I right?

I’ll tell you a secret, life sucks and it’s hard.

Getting help and feeling better sucks and is hard.

But it’s possible. For all of us.

Can I tell you another secret? I have to tell myself that every morning and every time my depression or anxiety gets the better of me(which is still more often than I would like). I sit and tell myself, “It’s going to be okay. It IS okay. Life goes on. Look at where I am now compared to where I was 6 months ago.”

So I’m here with you, understanding and living it.

And maybe you have a mental illness, maybe you’ve never been to a doctor so you haven’t been diagnosed or maybe you’re just going through a lot of shit right now and need a friend…whoever you are, reach out to me.

♥Kendra

Share: Tell me a small part of your story. Connect with me and others through our shared feelings and thoughts in the comments below.

 

Like a Bird

11/12/2013
Life, Like a Bird, Mental Health Wellness | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Thoughts(5)