Sometimes, I Forget That I Still Have a Disease

My mental health is improving. Yes. I’m better than I was but sometimes I forget that I still have a disease.

Despite the fact that it was only October that I wrote about The Ups and Downs of Having a Mental Illness and I talked about KNOWING this is a battle I will face all of my life. Here I sit right now feeling terrible. I feel bad about feeling bad.

I forget that I still have a disease.
I’m still sick.
I’m still in recovery.
I’m still going to have backslides and bad days.

I’ve had some troubles with insurance and money and such lately so for the past 3 weeks or so I’ve only been on half the dosage of my medication that I should be. I know that this is what is causing my current backslide. But it’s hard to remember that things will be okay. It’s hard to know that things were okay and they will get there again when I can get back on my medication the way it should be.

My head knows that this is just a season of “down”, my head knows that I’ll survive. But it’s hard to tell my heart and my gut that when all I want to do is sleep. It’s hard to remember the good when I am crying at the drop of a hat lately. It’s hard to remember when I sit watching my son and husband play and am crying because I don’t want my son to only remember me as the sick mommy who sat on the couch and slept all the time.

I forget that I have a disease.
I forget that this shit sucks so bad.
I forget what it’s like to be in it.
I look back at old posts, old journals and feel sick at how bad I thought and felt.
And then I have a bad week or a bad month and I think, “Oh yeah. It’s easy to feel this way. It’s like a baseline for me that will always be here, hidden in the background, waiting to creep up on me.”

I forget. And then I remember and it’s a ton of bricks to the face.

I sit on the couch, just wanting to sleep and I try to think so so hard about what I could possibly do in that moment to feel better and I come up with nothing and that is painful.

Here’s what I (and you) need to remember:

“This is a season, a moment in my life that is darker than others, the sun is turned away and things aren’t so bright. But ya know what? Next week could be different, next month…next season will be different. Because time changes, things shift, life moves forward and the sun and energy and light comes back.” Taken from this post.

Share: In the comments below, when you are feeling better and your mental health wellness is on track, do you sometimes forget that you still have a disease until you’re thrown back into it? How do you deal with these down slumps and how do you pull yourself out?