Sometimes, I Forget That I Still Have a Disease

Sometimes, I Forget That I Still Have a Disease

My mental health is improving. Yes. I’m better than I was but sometimes I forget that I still have a disease.

Despite the fact that it was only October that I wrote about The Ups and Downs of Having a Mental Illness and I talked about KNOWING this is a battle I will face all of my life. Here I sit right now feeling terrible. I feel bad about feeling bad.

I forget that I still have a disease.
I’m still sick.
I’m still in recovery.
I’m still going to have backslides and bad days.

I’ve had some troubles with insurance and money and such lately so for the past 3 weeks or so I’ve only been on half the dosage of my medication that I should be. I know that this is what is causing my current backslide. But it’s hard to remember that things will be okay. It’s hard to know that things were okay and they will get there again when I can get back on my medication the way it should be.

My head knows that this is just a season of “down”, my head knows that I’ll survive. But it’s hard to tell my heart and my gut that when all I want to do is sleep. It’s hard to remember the good when I am crying at the drop of a hat lately. It’s hard to remember when I sit watching my son and husband play and am crying because I don’t want my son to only remember me as the sick mommy who sat on the couch and slept all the time.

I forget that I have a disease.
I forget that this shit sucks so bad.
I forget what it’s like to be in it.
I look back at old posts, old journals and feel sick at how bad I thought and felt.
And then I have a bad week or a bad month and I think, “Oh yeah. It’s easy to feel this way. It’s like a baseline for me that will always be here, hidden in the background, waiting to creep up on me.”

I forget. And then I remember and it’s a ton of bricks to the face.

I sit on the couch, just wanting to sleep and I try to think so so hard about what I could possibly do in that moment to feel better and I come up with nothing and that is painful.

Here’s what I (and you) need to remember:

“This is a season, a moment in my life that is darker than others, the sun is turned away and things aren’t so bright. But ya know what? Next week could be different, next month…next season will be different. Because time changes, things shift, life moves forward and the sun and energy and light comes back.” Taken from this post.

♥Kendra

Share: In the comments below, when you are feeling better and your mental health wellness is on track, do you sometimes forget that you still have a disease until you’re thrown back into it? How do you deal with these down slumps and how do you pull yourself out?

Like a Bird

01/24/2014
Like a Bird, my mental health | Tagged , , , , , | Thoughts(1)

A Personal Story About Medication and Mental Health

A Personal Story About Medication and Mental Health

I have been on and off anti-depressants since I was 13. In high school, I got tired of having to take a medication everyday and I wasn’t mature enough to understand the need for it. I thought I was okay enough without it and weaned myself off my medication.

I’ve been on 4 different kinds of anti-depressants since my son was born (in April, 2012). I don’t think every person or every mental illness requires medication but I do think that there is a certain need for it. Some mental illnesses are based on your situation (SAD for example) but some are chemical and require medical treatment and I accept that. I accept that my depression and anxiety stem from chemicals inside of me that do not function right and probably never will without intervention. I hate that it required me to stop breastfeeding but I accepted it.

I’m not necessarily happy with having to take a medication everyday to regulate my body and my emotions but I don’t balk at the thought of it.

So since I got out of the hospital a few months ago, my anxiety has been pretty high. I’ve been trying to build my business and I was really proud of my accomplishments before I got sick. Feeling anxious again and not feeling like I can leave the house on my own was a big blow to my progress.

Last year, my GP suggested Xanax for my anxiety because my anti-depressant really doesn’t do much for my panic disorder. I refused. I didn’t want it. I balked at the idea and resisted. I had done some research and knew that it was addictive. The anti-depressant I’m on now is already going to be hell to wean off of and I’ve accepted it because it’s the one that works for me the best. But I wasn’t ready to take on another drug that would be addictive and hard to come off of when I decided to.

With my anxiety being so bad lately, I’ve been trying to think of what to do and my mind kept falling back on Xanax. I still didn’t want it necessarily but I need a quick fix. I don’t think drugs are the answer here but I have recognized that I need something to get me through while I pull myself together, while I keep fighting and keep working.

I let myself get led down an internet hole of Xanax/klonopin addiction but after talking to my art therapist and my husband, we all agreed it was something I needed to at least try.

I’ve had the prescription for 2 weeks and taken it maybe 4 or 5 times max.
I don’t feel like I need it all the time.
I don’t need it everyday.
I don’t need it every time I feel anxious.
I don’t need it during every panic attack.

I’m not using it to mask my symptoms, triggers or problems.
I’m not using it as a crutch.
I’m not using it to get rid of my emotions.

I use it when I need to be able to function without having constant panic attacks. I took it twice over the Thanksgiving weekend because large groups and extended family bring forth a lot of triggers for me but I needed to be sociable and present. My plan is to use it as little as possible, only when it’s really necessary.

I won’t keep taking it forever. I’m planning to look into more natural treatments for anxiety in the new year (going to try acupuncture and reiki!). I’m working on building my business and improving my life. I’m seeing my therapist and working through the issues in my life that are anxiety triggers.

For now, these little pills are a safety net, something I have if I really really need it. I’m still resistant to taking them every time. I struggle and hold off as long as I can. I still worry about possible addiction and the need to wean off of them but I’ve experienced no side effects so far (aside from tiredness, but they are technically a sedative!). That’s my story, for now anyways.

♥Kendra

Share: Do you have a mental illness that is being treated with medication? Tell me some of your struggles and story.

 

Like a Bird

01/21/2014
Like a Bird, my mental health | Tagged , , , , , , , | Thoughts(4)

When Getting Healthy Doesn’t Look Like How Experts Say You “Should” Do It

Let's Get Real: When Getting Healthy Doesn't Look Like How Experts Say You "Should" Do It

Let’s say you have a mental illness and you are bound and determined to get well and healthy.

GO YOU!
YES!
I’m on this path with you. It’s hard I know.

In this internet age, we all take to the closest search engine and try to find the easiest, best, most medically approved, most recommended ways to do something, right?

If you go type in “How to treat depression/anxiety naturally”, you’ll get over 10,800,000 results. That’s a lot of stuff to wade through to find the advice that works for you, right?!

Yeah, so to sum up those thousands of results, the main advice most experts say is as follows:
1-Go see a Doctor
2-Educate yourself
3-Eat healthy
4-Exercise
5-Sleep

Now, I’m not here to tell you that those expects are wrong. Honestly, they are right. Those are all things you should be doing (I highly advise number 1 and 2!). HOWEVER. I am here to tell you that it’s still kind of bullshit.

You’re depression or anxious and tired and can barely face getting up for the day let alone think about making a healthy meal or going for a run in the winter. Maybe you’re like me and have a toddler who still won’t sleep through the night all the time so there’s no way I can get a solid 8 hours of sleep no matter how hard I try.

And ya know what else I’m here to tell you?

It’s okay.

Your wellness routine doesn’t have to look like the experts tell you it “should”. There’s no way you’re going to be able to force yourself to do some of the things they tell you to do.
 It’s important not to beat yourself up if you can’t manage to get up and work out everyday. Don’t beat yourself up if you aren’t ready to start making weekly meal plans and finding awesome healthy recipes on pinterest. Don’t give yourself a hard time about any of the things you can’t do. Remember the things you are doing and make a list of other things you can do to improve and feel better.

The most important thing to remember is that you are trying. Are you seeing a doctor? Are you journaling? Are you educating yourself? Are you taking time to note your achievements? Are you working on you?

Are you making progress? If the answer to any or all of the above is yes…that is what is important and what you need to remember.

I can’t count the number of years I’ve been battling depression and anxiety but I do know that I have never felt mentally okay enough to take care of myself with food and exercise, yet. See the word ‘yet’ in that sentence. Remember it and use it. I have very few anxiety triggers left and the big one deals with food so I’m starting to think about it and journal and talk with my therapist about the trigger. I’m almost ready to have the energy and wellness needed to focus on my eating habits and make better choices. But before now?

Before now, it was enough that I’m seeing a therapist. It’s been enough that I’m working on myself daily and trying to improve. It’s been enough that I’m consciously cultivating healthier habits in other ways. It’s been enough that I’m on medication and working towards other goals and not giving up.

My wellness plan will never ever look exactly like the expercts say it “should”. I would love if I could have 8 hours of sleep and eat healthy and get 30-60 minutes of exercise a day but I’m not there and I won’t ever completely be there. What about you? Probably not, is my guess. I can’t honestly say that anyone could possible have a wellness plan that looks like what it “should”.

And guess what ladies? It’s all okay. Want to know what really helped me accept all of this? My art therapist (she really rocks!). She’s been the first doctor or therapist to remind me that it’s okay if I can’t exercise right now. I’m working on other things and the rest will come later, when I’m ready for it.

Just remember: the most important part of your recovery and wellness plan is that you are trying, you are working, you are improving and you are fighting.

♥Kendra

Share: Tell me what you wellness plan looks like? Do you take the advice of the experts? Are you still fighting?

01/17/2014
Like a Bird, Mental Health Wellness | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Thoughts(4)