Looking Back to See How Far I’ve Come in My Mental Health Journey

Recently, I was looking through the drafts I have to see what to write about. I often write a few things, thoughts, meanderings, random websites or words and save it to maybe post it later. A lot of things end up in one post or another, sometimes they just sit there and don’t need to be shared.

I saw a draft I had titled, “Journey to Recovery Update February 2013”. If you’re a long time reader, you’ll remember my posts called Journey to Recovery. I had honestly meant to post those once a month and the time got away from me and I started blogging more regularly about mental health and it didn’t seem necessary anymore. So I found this post, these thoughts from just over a year ago now. I opened the draft to see how far I’ve come on my journey.

Below is my Journey to Recovery post from 2013, previously unpublished.

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These updates are increasingly hard to write. I haven’t written one of these, or anything too personal in a while it feels.

Where to even begin?

When Jeffrey was 5 months old (the end of September), we started having serious discussions about weaning him so I could go on drugs that I didn’t feel were safe while breastfeeding. I was adamant about holding off at least until he was 6 months. A month went by too fast and we were faced with trying to decide. So we tried formula to see if he would even accept it and lo and behold, he had no issues.

Weaning is a whole other issue that I know I need to write about but I’m not sure I’m ready.

So by a week after Christmas, Jeffrey was completely weaned and I was completely broken. A bout of mastitis while weaning, several clogged ducts after weaning and a hard week of depression from the crash of hormones left me in a haze.

Finally we went to the doctor and I got put on Cymbalta. I felt okay for a while. No worse than when I was on the Paxil or Zoloft but not good enough. I was still coasting through life. As you can tell by this post here, I was still experiencing my anxiety but only had 1 panic attack in a 3 week period which was an improvement to be sure.

By the time my next dr appointment rolled around, I knew I would have to tell him it wasn’t working, the Cymbalta wasn’t enough. In my head all I can keep thinking is, “Is this all for nothing? Did I wean my sweet little boy to go on a medication that won’t even work for me?” (note from 2014: I am still on Cymbalta and it is working well. In December 2013, I was dealing with some insurance stuff and was on half my dosage for almost a month and I could really tell. My emotions were all over the place and I was so depressed. I still hate that we had to wean from breastfeeding but so glad the medication is actually doing it’s job.)

For the next month, my doctor has prescribed Xanax on top of the Cymbalta. At the time I’m writing this it’s been about a week since I started and they help some but the anxiety is still present. It’s a weight inside of me that just won’t seem to leave and I’m left wondering if I will ever feel okay.

I know I will carry my depression and anxiety with me for life, I know there is no real cure for these diseases but I’m left sitting here, unsure if I’ll ever be able to leave the house with my son alone without inducing a panic attack, I’m wondering if I’ll ever be able to go days, weeks…hell even hours between feeling that anxious, dark pit in my stomach.

Will I ever get relief from this? Just a bit, just so I can breath and feel okay?

I don’t know and as much as I keep feeling like I want to give up, I know I won’t because i deserve more than this and so does my son, and so does my fiance.

So I’ll keep fighting, keep trying until we are 100% out of options.

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Maybe it’s just because I’m the one that wrote those words but as I sit here reading them, I can feel that pain coming off the screen. Gods, I was so unsure of everything, I remember feeling like I was drowning with no chance of survival.

Looking back, I can’t believe it’s been a year since that time and those thoughts. I’ll be honest and tell you I still miss breastfeeding like crazy, it was a rough start for us but I fell in love with it. A year ago was the first time I was prescribed Xanax and I rebelled against the thought, I wasn’t on it long. I recently got a new prescription for Xanax but can’t remember the last time I felt the need to take one.

My journey is going up the longer times goes on. I still have back slides, and I always will. But one of the great parts about journaling or keeping a blog, is that you get to look back at your words and marvel at how far you’ve come in such a short time.

Share: Have you been keeping a journal of your recovery? Maybe you should look back and see how far YOU have come in the last year.