It All Starts With One Thought

It All Starts With One Thought

“I think I could be really happy.”

This was the thought that crossed my mind a few weeks ago. I remember it so vividly even though it’s been almost a month now and so much has happened in between. I was driving my moms car, on my way home from a chiropractor appointment (which I’m loving by the way), my music was blaring. My favorite part about being in the car sans baby, especially when I’m in the drivers seat, is to have the music up so my windows shake. (Yes, I’m one of those people.)

So there I was, taking a turn near home, singing along to the music, the sun setting to my left and suddenly, as if it was clear as day and nothing could be more true right in that moment, I thought:

“I think I could be happy. Really truly, holy fuck this is amazing happy.”

But then the “if this and if that” came in to play, they didn’t feel petty or self sabotaging though.

“If only I had a doctor who helped me enough to get my medication correct so my chemicals were balanced and I didn’t feel so anxious (so like this), so much like I’m dying because I can’t breathe.”

But even with those thoughts additional “if this and if that”, I think so constantly now:

“I could be really happy.”

It will happen. And thoughts spur our actions which change our mood and cycle back to our thoughts and our day to day lives suddenly become something we didn’t recognize.

“I WILL be really happy.”

It will happen for me, for my family. Soon. Someday soon. Our lives will be so much more than what they are now, not too much either. Just enough. We’ll have the things we need, a space of our own, and love but it all is starting with this one thought during one regular day with nothing extraordinary happening. This extraordinary thought came to me and said,

“I think I could be really happy.”

Yes.

♥Kendra

Share: Tell me, have you had a thought recently that could change everything if you just embraced it?

 

02/19/2013
Like a Bird, reflections | Tagged , , , , , , , | Thoughts(2)

Blogging About Blogging

It’s been a long time since I wrote a post about blogging or about my goals for this space. For some reason, it just feels like the time, ya know?

I don’t know how many readers are out there these days, sure I look at my stat numbers daily but I’m not sure how many of those people come and stay. Or how many of my older readers are still around. Comments have become non-existant and as a result I’ve pondered getting rid of them completely.

I’ve had this space for such a long time. Officially I purchased my domain, likeabirdblog.com in August of 2009, just before I left home to attend art school. This space has seen so many changes but none so drastic as in the past year, I think.

Since becoming a mother and really trying to get my mental health to be…well healthy, I’ve learned some things about myself. I used to post weekly round ups, posts of stuff that was pretty, posts just to post. And it started to drag me down. I took a step back from my blog, from my intentions and from myself and took a good hard look at what was really important and what I really wanted in my life. So I’ve been posting with intention, posting content that calls to me and nothing more.

I try not to fill my life, my feeds or my blog space here with things that I find unimportant (note: completely my own opinion). I realize that the type of lifestyle blogs that talk about day to day life, that post link ups and weekly favorite things posts have a place, but that place is not here. It used to be and perhaps I’ve driven away some views because of this change but do you want to know something?

That’s okay. It’s okay because hopefully I’ve gained the views from the people who need me more. I feel like I still haven’t found my blog in the blog world. I try to surround myself and the content I read with women like me, women who want to help others and are focused on self awareness and introspection but…I still feel left out.

There is a part of me that wants so badly to be one of the popular ones, one of the ones that everyone links to and talks about. One of those bloggers who people email for advice and ask how their life is. But I’m not. I want to be that because I know I know I know so deeply in my heart that there are women, teens, bloggers, artists out there who suffer like I do and who feel so alone.

I want so badly to just reach out and connect. Connect. Connect.

But I’m still struggling with that part of the process. In other blog news, I have a new design and new branding look designed, has been for months now. I just haven’t found the time to code it. Anyone interested in coding it for me? ha!

So, my question to you out there who are hopefully reading and visiting this space: what are you looking for? What kind of posts in the last 3 months have you enjoyed the most? What could you do without? Please share with me in the comments below.

♥Kendra

 

 

02/12/2013
Like a Bird, my blog | Tagged | Thoughts(2)

60 Seconds with An Anxiety Disorder

*Disclaimer: What is written below, I wrote out in about 60 seconds while in the middle of a panic attack. I sat on my bed, as the anxiety mounted and thought it would help, it would ease the pain to write it down. And so I did. I wrote it with no intentions of sharing or even reading it ever again. But, I’m publishing it today in hopes that some people out there understand, and others learn to feel less alone.

60 Seconds with An Anxiety Disorder

Fear, and panic grip me.
There is a tight knot in my stomach, just below my ribs.
I feel as if the only way to make it stop is to take a knife and plunge it in,
to rip out my emotions, my pain, my anger, my fear and my panic.
Why wont you go away ?
I scream to myself .
Tight.
I clench my jaw, brace myself again the wave of nausea as the tightness
in my stomach contracts and I am overcome.
Weeping in my head,
My eyes feel huge as I squeeze them shut against the world.
I cover my ears to block out the pain and the words that bombard me
from inside.

It does no good.
The pain, the pain, the fear.
It eases,
sometimes.
It returns with a vengeance and I’m back to the vision,
The wanting, the knife in my hand to make it go away
as I cry and thrash again the bonds of this horrible awful disease
that so few understand.

My breathing constricts and I’m left trying to count it out
1
2
3
4
In
1
2
3
4
Out
No use.

My ribs move up and down as my lungs fill with air
but the tightness just below gets ever tighter, never letting up.

♥Kendra

 

 

02/05/2013
Like a Bird, my mental health, writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Thoughts(2)