Like a Bird | Personal Blog of Kendra Kantor, Wellness Mentor and Guide

On Seeing

I start writing posts a lot, thoughtful posts and sometimes I’m too scared to post them for one reason or another, sometimes it’s just all a big mess, sometimes the topic feels like something I’ve written about far too many times already but more often than not I just can’t seem to finish getting my thoughts out and make them coherent. And so, the posts sit in my drafts, waiting to be finished because I always intend to go back and write them.

This post was first started in September 2011 and it was probably in my head for a few months before that. Here I am, June 2012 re-reading it to see if it’s worthy of posting and realizing it’s a rather depressing topic, angsty and hurtful (to me and my soul) and yet…it’s all still true. It’s over 9 months since I wrote the (majority) of the post below and it all still rings true.

2009 ©Kendra J Kantor

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about the way I see.

The way I see things in relation to art, my art in particular and the way my work is affected because of it.

I figure there are a handful of reasons I (or anyone) takes photos: for my blog, for money/career (weddings, portraits, or commercial products), for a project (school or personal), to remember a moment (snapshots, photo albums) or to learn (about myself, the world, a new technique etc… more and more the last few months (okay, probably more the last year or more) I’ve been only taking photos to remember a moment or for my blog.

And what does that do?

I can’t remember the last time I took a photo and thought, “Wow, I love that, I would hang that on my wall.”, “I would be proud for others to own this”, “I think I could get this in an exhibition.”

I don’t work well under pressure. or rather with limitations. I don’t work well being forced to do something. maybe that was part of why I hated art school, I don’t know. I still wonder if I made the right choice, but then I look at my life now and there are things that wouldn’t be if I had made a different choice….and those things are wondrous and are life changing. but still…I haven’t pushed myself, I haven’t tried.

I can’t remember the last time I produced work I would put into a portfolio, or if any of the old work I would have…even means anything to me anymore.

I used to feel special, like I meant something, like I had a future and like I was unstoppable. I had a scholarship, I had professors and admissions people telling me how they loved my work, I had people who were proud of me and excited by my future. and what did I do? I left. I stopped trying, stopped trying to succeed even on my own.

I don’t even know anymore what any of it means. what’s the point? I wrote a post over a month ago (10 months ago now), about photography and how I love it and miss it but I hate the industry and don’t know if I want to be a part of it. That post still sits in my drafts folder, maybe I’ll post it someday…I don’t know.

Every time I have a thought, or a question…it just leads to more questions. I don’t know if there are ever answers to anything important in life. How do I move on? How do I change? How do I figure out if I even WANT to move on, if I want to get better? Maybe I know just because I’m writing this, because I have this yearning in me to create something I love and am proud of. Because I yearn to be able to say, look…here’s my website, am I someone now? Is that weird? To just want to be someone?

I have talked about it briefly before….most of the time, I don’t want to be famous for me, I want to be famous for you. But that’s different. I think as artist, it’s okay to be selfish….right? As much as we saw we create for ourselves, some part of us wants to be recognized and fawned over and told our work is amazing…right?

Here I am, 9 months after writing the thoughts above and nothing to show for it. I could sit here and blame it on being pregnant (and horribly sick for half of it and horribly in pain for the other half) or blame it on the fact that I’ve been so depressed and anxious I hate getting out of bed or leaving my room. I could blame it on the fact that I have a newborn son and no time for anything but to stare at him. I could blame it on the fact that my camera is dying and don’t want to tempt fate or that we have no money so I feel stunted in my progress and need money to continue or that I feel as if I need money and so work for that and not for me.

I could blame my lack of movement and growth and production on so many things but where would that get me? No where new that’s where.

But still…9 months later and I’m sitting here wondering:

Where do I go from here? How do I move the hell forward?!

♥Kendra

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07/09/2012

Like a Bird, my art, reflections | Tagged art, dreams, goals, honest, life, open, photography, portfolio, ranting, reflections, seeing | Thoughts(2)

Memories and Photos

February 23nd, 2012 ©Kendra Kantor

My mom has buckets and buckets worth of family photos. A lot are from extended family, from when my grandparents were young, to when my mom was growing up and all her brothers and sisters, photos from family reunions and a ton of pictures from when my brothers were little. Less from when my sister and I were young, but that’s okay, by the time I was born my sister was an angsty 2 year old, my brothers were teenagers and misbehaved a lot.

I was thinking the other day about looking back at all those memories, the people I didn’t know or those that are no longer with us. Looking at the happy times with family and holidays. I’m glad to have those images. But, still, I wish there were more of them.

And so I got to thinking about how awesome and different it will be for my child(ren) when they are my age. Perhaps it’ll be different for them than others because I’m a photographer and a blogger, so by nature I take a ton of photos. But even for more ‘normal’ (non-photographers and non-bloggers) people, it’s so easy to take pictures nowadays. The biggest worry is that all images tend to be digital and so many of us don’t print those images. Personally, I carry a few disposable cameras in my purse and love using them still.

Scott and I are also starting a yearly photo memory book this year. I’m really excited to have real albums to hold in my hands with pictures and stories from throughout the year. I always loved looking through real photos, something tangible to hold. My dad often asks why I would want to print images, it’s all on a computer. Well sure, but digital images can be lost, they’re harder to look through and how often do we really go back and look through all our files? Especially with our young children. For one, we plan on limiting screen time for our children until they are older, but how fun is it as a toddler, or a young child to look back at photos from when you were born or in mommy’s tummy? I loved it and I hope my kids will too.

I hope in 10, 20…50 years they feel lucky and oh so happy that we’ve captured so many memories. Important ones like the day of their birth, their first trip to the zoo, to baking cookies with mommy and playing games with daddy to simply things like everyday smiles, cuddling in our pjs, making breakfast or watching the snow fall. I am happy and excited I can so easily capture all these moments and memories for them.

What about you? Do you capture pictures often? Do you ever print them? Do you wish you had more images from your childhood?

♥Kendra