The whole story of my depression and anxiety is a long one, and maybe someday I’ll start at the beginning and tell it all but for the moment, I’m going to start with right now. Or the last year at least.

I’ve had depression my whole life and it’s slowly gotten worse the last few years. About a year ago, my mental health started to decline pretty rapidly and by August of 2011, I decided I needed help. But then those two pink lines showed up and I was pregnant. I didn’t want to go on medication while I was pregnant so I toughed it out and it was damn rough let me tell you.

At the end of April, Jeffrey was born and I really needed help. On top of clinical depression, severe anxiety and a panic disorder I was battling being a new mother and suffering postpartum depression (PPD) as well. For a month, Scott and I tried to find a dr who would see me soon and after a few false starts we gave up until seeing my midwife at my postpartum check up.

My midwife prescribed 25mg of Zoloft a day (Zoloft has been shown to be the safest anti-depressant for breastfeeding and most often prescribed for breastfeeding moms), until I can find another dr to help.

It’s been almost 2 weeks now and I’m not feeling any better yet. My mom was on Zoloft years ago and said she started feeling better after a few days and that gave me hope. But it’s not helping me yet. I’ve been on anti-depressants before so I know it takes time for the medication to kick in and make a difference and I know that it’s different for everyone, but I’m so ready to just be a little normal.

I’m ready to be able to leave my bedroom without fear of having a panic attack just from sitting in the living room with my family. I’m ready to wake up and feel good, to wake up and want to work, to wake up and want to shower and leave the house and I’m ready to have a smile on my face without trying so hard.

And so I want to take this space and record my mood, my thoughts and my journey with getting better and getting help. Part of my goal has always been to be honest, to help others with depression and I want to take this space to not only be honest and reflective with myself, but I hope it helps others feel less alone and feel free to email me, be open with themselves and get help if they need it.

I’ll check in soon with more thoughts and feelings on my journey.

ps- Happy Midsummer!