“What Will Make My Life More Fulfilling, Joyful and Abundant?” And Other Questions

“What Will Make My Life More Fulfilling, Joyful and Abundant?” And Other Questions

The mind is such a powerful tool. Mental Illnesses often come riddled with negative thoughts but more than that they have to do with our feelings, our emotions. I don’t know about you, but I battle almost daily the contradictions between my feelings and my head. My head knows there is no rational reason to be feeling panicked and yet, I’m on edge and can’t breathe. My mind knows I shouldn’t be crying and yet tears coat my face.

I turn to my mind to calm my thoughts. That’s why we create mantras or affirmations, right? Because while our feelings tell us one thing, our minds know better and the words and positive thoughts help.

I currently have 2 major triggers for my anxiety: food and money.
These are my focus with my art therapist and what I’m personally working on in my own head and journal.

I think they are all wrapped up together but I’m not really sure how yet. I’m still searching for the answers and questions, even. But I wanted to share my thoughts so far and how I’m trying to figure out how to heal and cope with these triggers.

I don’t know if I have an eating disorder or if my anxiety with food is an extensions of my panic disorder. I don’t know if it matters in the overall scheme of things or in the treatment of this but I feel like I want to “put a label on it”. I don’t know why. I think it would help so I could research and possibly find others who feel similar to me, ya know?

Anyways.

Thinking about food makes me anxious.
Trying to plan meals and go grocery shopping makes it hard to breathe.
Letting other decide for me makes me feel sick.

I want food to taste good.
I want to be healthy but more than anything I want food to be good.
I want to be satisfied.
I want yummy.
I am afraid that if the food isn’t yummy, I’ll need something else later.

My mom says, “Food doesn’t have to be yummy, you have to teach your son to eat healthy.”
Yes, I know. But for one, that doesn’t help me feel more in control of my life or my eating or my anxiety and second, I think (I fucking hope!) it’s possible to eat healthy AND yummy.

Isn’t it?

Do I really need to 100% switch my mindset from “food can be yummy” to “food is just essential, taste is not important at all.” ??? That feels like I’m boxing myself in so much and then my control trigger spirals.

Food needs to be instantly gratifying.

I feel restricted and out of control when others choose for me or cook for me. I will eat it but I won’t be happy with it and I’ll have to find something else later.

I feel restricted and constrained when we can’t spend money on food or random things.
I feel the need to be satisfied with food or the ability to spend money on material possessions.

I’m really not a person who is obsessed with material things either. I like my books, my computer and my camera but beyond that…the rest is just fluff to fill the space most of the time.

As I write these things above, I know they all come from my mental illnesses and aren’t healthy thoughts or feelings. In my attempt to gain control over these feelings, I’m trying to focus on asking myself questions and giving myself a pep talk when I start to feel out of control.

Will I survive without this?

Yes.I will survive without x, y or z.

What’s the worst that will happen?

Absolutely nothing.

What can I do to be satisfied in this moment without having to spend money or eat ‘yummy’ food?

Spend time with my son and husband. Work on our living space. Create. Do art.

What will make my life more fulfilling, joyful and abundant in the long run?

I also love this ‘fill in the blank’ from Alexandra Franzen

“It’d be really amazing if I could __________________. Fortunately, it is not required for happiness.”

It’s a work in progress. I’m a work in progress. I’m trying to remember to ask myself these questions when I can and work through the anxiety. I’m trying not to always give in.

When I start to feel anxious, out of control and boxed in because I want the freedom to go out to dinner or spend money when we shouldn’t, I too often let myself say yes, let’s go because it’s easy and fast and satisfying. But then we have no money and I feel crappy about the food we ate.

So I’m asking myself, “What can I do now to thrive and be happy in the long run?”

Oh I’m also reading Money Love and Savor: Mindful Eating, Mindful Life to help me work through these triggers. Have you read them?

♥Kendra

Share: What can you do now to thrive and be happy in the long run? You can get more prompts like this in my Journal in the New You: 2014 Edition e-course. Sign ups are always open.

 

journalwidget

12/27/2013
Like a Bird, Mental Health Wellness, my mental health, reflections | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Thoughts(2)

The Irony of Mama Guilt and Letting Go of Feeling Guilty for Wanting to Work

The Irony of Mama Guilt and Letting Go of Feeling Guilty for Wanting to Work

I recently have been working on a project, a contribution to a larger project for new mama’s. It’s been awesome and I’ve loved the creativity and releasing of thoughts I’ve gotten from it.

My contribution talks about learning to find yourself as a new mama, and feeling less mama guilt.

And so as I went along creating this, and working on Journal in the New You, I’ve had some deadlines which meant I had to work a bit more often and be away from my son.

Which has led me to thinking about working mothers and guilt.

My husband (and a lot of working mothers I think) feels guilt because he HAS to work to pay the bills. He has to go to a day job that doesn’t feed his soul in any way right now because this little business of mine hasn’t taken off yet enough to pay the bills. He feels guilt because he’s away from the house doing something every day that he doesn’t love and missing out on being with me and seeing our son grow up.

I feel guilt because 3 mornings a week for 2-3 hours, my son’s grandma babysits while I get on the computer and work. I feel guilt because I WANT this. I feel guilt because I want to be away from my son. Or rather I want to be working which translates to needing to be away from him. It’s silly and ironic that I feel guilt as I work on a project trying to teach other mama’s to NOT feel guilty for taking time for themselves.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot and trying to focus my thoughts so I can share them and so I can feel okay about all of this.
Yes, I WANT to work. I want to take time away from my son so I can focus on myself and my business. I want this. For me. So I’m happy.

The point that keeps coming back to my mind to make me feel better is how important I (and my husband) feel it is that we show our son that we are more than just parents. I want to show him that we have passions and a purpose and a life beyond him. I want to show him that he can do the same as he has a family. I want to show him that I’m doing something that makes a difference in the world and helping others and helping myself. I want to show him that I’m taking control of my mental health and this is what I need to be healthy, I need alone time and I need focus and I need something to give me a purpose and a passion beyond ‘mother’.

My sticking point has been that my mental health is not perfect. Even after doing my work for the day and then getting to spend time with my son, I’m still not always as present as I should be. Thankfully, he’s super independent and plays so well by himself. But then the guilt creeps back in as I watch him reading by himself or playing with blocks across the room as I sit and try to distract the knot in my gut and the depression from seeping in by browsing instagram or pinterest.

What’s the solution? How do I knock away at this guilt? I don’t have a solution, yet. I don’t have any amazing words of wisdom here for you, ladies. I know in my head and in my heart that I have no reason to feel guilt. I know I’m trying the best I can to make this all work out okay. I try as hard as I can to be intentional and get on the floor with my son as often as I can and let him play.

As I’m typing this I’m reminded of a blog post I read last year, when my son was still little and wasn’t really playing just sitting watching things. From Bliss Beyond Naptime, “It’s not that it never happens but when it does it’s for real. Fun is had by all…”

I like that quote from the post because it gets to the point I think I’m trying to make here. When play and interaction happen, it is with intention and real and because I want to do it. I want to chase him around and build a tower. I’m not doing it because I have to, it’s because we both want to and are intentional.

I remember reading that post last year and thinking, ‘yes, that’s going to be me as my son grows up.’ I connected with her words and feelings. I’m not a big ‘player’, it’s just not me all the time. But the times it is me, it’s more fun because I’ve taken the time for self care and to make sure I’m happy as well.

And here we are, back to mama guilt and I’m typing now with a small smile on my face thinking about how great writing is and how awesome it is to share and get my thoughts down. As I began writing this, I felt nervous…not ready to share maybe because who WANTS to be away from their child, right?

Guilt guilt guilt. And now here I am at the end, after getting out my thoughts and reminding myself that this is what I need to be happy and that means I will be better when I am with my son and he will be happier.

Here I am, trying to let go of my guilt and by sharing my guilt, I feel it slowly releasing.

♥Kendra

Share: Are you a mama with guilt for wanting time away from your child? How can you let it go?

 

 

12/20/2013
Like a Bird, motherhood | Tagged , , , , , , | Thoughts(1)

An Update on Creating Roots and Improving My Health

An Update on Creating Roots and Improving My Health

It’s time to start wrapping up 2013, ladies! Maybe it’s because I’m a mother now or just because I’m getting older (ish?), but this year just zoomed by! It’s insane and I can’t believe I have an almost 20 month old.

So in December 2012, I waffled back and forth on picking a word to for 2013. I just wasn’t in a good place mentally and I couldn’t see any way to focus on anything but getting up everyday and just surviving. I’m not sure what pushed me over the edge but on Yule, I did a tarot reading and picked 2 words to focus on. I wanted to do a little update on how those words manifested for myself and my family throughout 2013.

In 2013, I decided to focus on creating roots and improving my health.

“-More than anything, Roots, is about building our foundation as a family. The three of us. Before Jeffrey was born, there was no way I could imagine never being with my siblings and parents for the holidays. I couldn’t think we would ever have our own home and want to do most of our celebrating just us.

-The images on my tarot cards depicted a turtle with plants growing from it’s back. To me, that spoke that yes our roots are growing but we are still moving. This isn’t our place to settle yet, but we need to start and let them slowly go forward.” (post)

We finally have a space of our own.
We are slowly decorating and creating it to be what we need on a daily basis and what we want to be comfortable and happy. I worry about getting too settled here because when we move, there’s no way we will have this amount of space at least for a while.

We might be buying an RV after this so space will be limited and I worry about spreading out here and getting used to it. But I’ve pushed those worries aside because I know deep down, I just need a space to live in that feels like mine and feels like home. It’s been a struggle to get this space to be what it is and I’m proud of what we’ve accomplished here.

We spend a lot of time as a family of three. We’ve started creating traditions and doing things just for us. We have gone to festivals and the zoo and parks. We are even making our own stockings this year. That seems weird and small but the stocking I’ve had since I was born has been themed with my brothers and sisters stocking, so it was that family. Now, it’s time to create my own family, just the three of us and so we are making stockings and making plans to celebrate Yule in style!

I feel really good about how far we’ve come when focusing on “Roots”. It feels like it would be a cop out to re-use the same word for 2014, and I probably won’t but family and creating roots and traditions and celebrating just the three of us is something we are intent on continuing with.

“-2013 needs needs NEEDS to be the year my fiance and I focus on our health.” (post)

It was. It wasn’t as extensive as it needed to be but it was a beautiful start. I saw a chiropractor at the beginning of the year for a few months, I need to go back but my pinched nerve is gone! In 2012, my shoulders were so bad, it went on months and months and I often couldn’t pick up my son because of the pain. Now? I can’t remember the last time it hurt. Awesome!

I’m currently seeing an art therapist and it’s fantastic. She gets me, she’s an artist too and that’s just awesome.
I’m doing pole dancing. Yay for exercise!

Despite a little bump in the road in my health in September (that I’m still on medication with annoying side effects for), things in the health department are going okay.

Again, I feel good about how much we focused on “Health” this past year, even if it was slightly less than we wanted. We took more actions and have been actively trying to get healthier than ever before in our lives and that is awesome. Go us! (I totally need to put all of this down in my “I Am Proud” journal!). I won’t re-use health but we are intending to continue along this path. I need to find a new general practitioner and I need to go back to the chiropractor. We both need to see the dentist. I need to continue my therapy, and focus more on eating and exercising (this is something I am working with in therapy and I’ll talk about it soon). We are planning to try to do more alternative therapies this coming year as well. I would love to try acupuncture for my anxiety as well as some reiki.

It’s odd that I was hesitant to pick a word (or words) for 2013 but I think this has been the year that I’ve most successfully focused and manifested the words throughout the year. Wow.

♥Kendra

Share: Have you written up a 2013 wrap up post or talked about how your word of the year was manifested in 2013? Share the link or your thoughts below.

 

journalwidget

12/17/2013
Life, Like a Bird, reflections | Tagged , , , , , , | Thoughts